thnks fr th mmrs

This must be shared with the world.

2012-01-08T14:46:00.000-07:00

xmas 2011

2011-12-25T01:15:00.003-07:00

Wow, is 2012 already right around the corner? What a year this has been. What a year, indeed. I've done things and gone places I never thought possible, and yet still haven't accomplished things I had it in mind to have done almost 3 years ago now. Since my five year plan is up as of January 1, and the last and most important thing on the list was to move to Scotland (and since that clearly isn't going to happen now), I guess I'll have to work on another plan. Mostly I'm disappointed in not actually being able to go through with that plan, but life goes on, right?

Speaking of life moving on, I would like to share something with you, dear reader. I'm not wanting to seem morbid or insensitive by saying this, but it's come up in conversation quite a bit this past year, and I feel like it needs to be said; no more beating around the bush or speaking in metaphors. (Have I mentioned that I hate metaphors?) Despite all the things seemingly stacked against me in my life right now, I am still thankful, quite simply, for my life. I haven't told many people before, but I am a survivor of attempted suicide. It's not something I'm proud of, but I am very thankful that it didn't work. It was a long time ago, and the details don't matter, but I feel like it needs to be shared. I'd also like to say that I don't still struggle with depression, but I've learned that it's not something that will ever completely go away... I have just learned to not let it control me or my thoughts anymore. I've also become quite fond of Ovid's quote "Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." There. Confession time over.

I am thankful for the friends I've made and the friends I've kept since that terrible time in my life. I am also thankful for my relationship with God, no matter how much I've tried to run away, hide, or deny Him, He's always been there. I've always really liked the analogy 'No matter how many steps you take away from God, He's always one step behind you. Always ready to catch you if you fall or hug you if you turn around.' I'll never be alone. No matter how much I feel lonely, I will never be alone.

In light of this time of year being one for reflection, I'm going to (finally!) share stories of my time in Europe. Since I'm 99% certain of the fact that it will probably rival my summer post for length, I'm going to make it its own entry... and to save your eyes and my sense of organization.

I'll leave this with my yearly post of O Holy Crap. It's a tradition now, so y'all are just going to have to deal with it. If you don't like it, here's your warning for next year: it'll be in my xmas post, lying silently and waiting to jump out at you when you click the link.

I love you all dearly and hope that this Christmas season was good to you, and that it brought you joy in some measure (hopefully in heaps). And always remember that God is good. All the time. God is good.

No Place Like Home...

2011-11-26T03:16:00.001-07:00

Life post-camp is slooooooow. Slower than slow, actually. I've spent the past three weeks (has it only been that long?! Sheesh.) re-learning how to live in the city, and within sight of my neighbors... all 60 of them.

Day by day, and now week by week, I've been settling back into my appartment, small group, circle of friends, and old life. I refer to my life pre-camp as old simply because I left Leth behind, and changed, grew, and struggled in different ways than my friends here did. So I left in May looking forward to the future, and have returned home a new woman to a new Leth. I've struggled a little, but in hindsight, I think it's all just part of the giant re-adjustment phase.

Throughout my time at camp, I've learned to be a lot less sarcastic and a lot more loving with my words. I've also learned to listen more and provide structured, challenging and helpful responses to situations in which I didn't know how to respond in such a manner that would bring any kind of positive outcome in the past. It has started me on a journey of growth and love that I hope I will never tire of being on.

I was fed up of being flung into situations that left me feeling helpless or useless, which in turn sometimes left others feeling helpless or even hopeless. Unfortunately, and much to my dismay, I have learned the quip 'fake it 'til you make it' doesn't always work (which was a mantra that got me through culinary school). After going through a bunch of fairly intense situations at camp, I've done my best to re-train my initial thoughts/reactions in a situation where I'm feeling helpless or that my hands are tied. When in doubt, I find the most useful piece of advise is to lead like Jesus. Allow Him to own your thoughts, words and actions. Stand firm in your faith and, through His love, you will be transformed. A piece of Scripture I'm working on memorizing (in hopes of having it handy in sticky situations when I need to check myself before responding, or when I just need something to hold on to) is James 4:1-10 from the Message translation. I find that I like how blunt it is.

1 Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves.

2 You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it. You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? 3 And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.

[And here's where it gets personal] 4 You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and His way. 5 And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that 'He's a fiercely jealous lover.' 6 And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that 'God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.'

7 So let God work His will in you. Yell a loud no to the devil and watch him scamper. 8 Say a quiet yes to God and He'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. 9 Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and the games are over. Get serious, really serious. 10 Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet.

I think I'll leave you with that for now, dear reader, mostly because it's 3:15am and I have a lot to accomplish tomorrow (actually, later today). Go in peace, thanks be to God.

God is good. All the time. God is good.

the only 12 1/2 writing rules you'll ever need

2011-10-12T16:14:00.002-06:00

1. If you write every day, you get better at writing every day.
2. If it's boring to you, it's boring to your reader.
3. Get a writing routine and stick with it.
4. Poetry does NOT have to rhyme. Poetry does NOT have to rhyme.
5. Resist stereotypes (in real life and in your writing).
6. Writers read. Writers read a lot. Writers read all the time.
7. Make lists of your favourite words and books and places and things.
8. There doesn't always have to be a moral to the story.
9. Always bring your notebook. Always bring a spare pen.
10. Go for walks. Dance. Pull weeds. Do the dishes. Write about it.
11. Don't settle on just one style. Try something new!
12. Learn to tell both sides of the story.
12 1/2. Write something!

Saturday

2011-08-20T11:56:00.004-06:00

This week, Saturday is my perfect day of rest, relaxation, and restoration. It's just sad that after so many weeks of absolutely loving my job so, so much, and never wanting some weeks to end that this past week I found myself counting down to Saturday. I'm not sure exactly what changed in the two weeks I was gone, but I can tell there's been a change, and it's not all in myself that I see these changes. Maybe the pace of the summer is just wearing on people, maybe the lack of sleep is finally catching up, maybe people are finally admitting they're sick (even though they've been sick for a while), or maybe I changed in the time I was gone and everyone else is just moving in a different direction than I am... everyone together, except me. There are a thousand maybes, but I have no answers. Maybe it's not my place to have answers.

However, I thank God every day for good friends, good food, and good conversation... even though sometimes those things are all I have to lean on to keep my mental stability. I still thank God for the opportunity to even be out here, as it's seemed either too good to be true or like a dream most of the time (up until 5 days ago, actually). I've found myself praying for peace, patience and kindness towards others quite often this week, and I can tell that despite not receiving an audible answer, God still has His ways of giving me respite whether it's through a chat with a friend, standing outside in the sunlight for the first time in a day, laughing so hard my ribs ache, drinking a really, really good cup of coffee, or listening to really great music at work and dancing around for the better part of an hour. God is good.

All the time. God is good.

Challenge by Choice

2011-08-15T22:47:00.004-06:00

(Written July 9)

I'd like to write a little (potentially a lot) about the newest and best change to Staff Training (aka Leadership Week) 2011. It's called Challenge by Choice, and it allows each person participating in an activity to choose their own level of involvement, keeping themselves physically, mentally and spiritually safe throughout the course of the activity. Before I go into any theories about the week, I'd like to share some of my stories/experiences.

1-Now I'm not the biggest fan of heights, which shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. To give you a little more perspective, when I was in choir in high school I was always standing on the floor at the front of the choir, because I was too uncomfortable to stand on the risers. So, after saying that, my post about the zip line should give you some perspective on that one. I'll leave that one for a minute.

2-For the past few years... actually, more since the fifth grade, to be exact (with a few exceptions), I haven't really cried a whole lot, and especially not in public. I would run away from anything and anyone, just so no one could see or hear me cry; the result of which was a fairly hardened heart. It wasn't the healthiest of coping techniques, but it's how I dealt with life. Over the past week, I think I've cried more (in public, for the record) than in the past two years. I'll leave that one for a minute, too.

3-(And this is the hardest one to admit) I've been struggling with the thought that coming out to camp was a mistake. I knew they needed help, and being all graduated and qualified and stuff, I wanted to help my friends in their time of need. Now, before I say anything else, there's a big difference between wanting to go and being called to go. Camp is intense enough that if you don't feel the initial call, I would question your motivation for being there. That being said, however, I've been talking to people since I moved out here, and very few of them were called specifically to Egreen... a fact which is making me question my theory. But, to be honest, I quite expected life to be all sunshine and rainbows all Spring/Summer, and living through the day to day struggles kind of shattered the dream and made me question some stuff (like the decision to have moved out there in the first place).

Now for the reason for this post: my opinion on Challenge by Choice. When I first heard about it, I honestly thought it was kind of dumb (sorry Bear). Looking back on the spring and Staff Training week now that I've lived through it, I have an intensely deep love and gratitude for its implementation.

I believe that I would still be the same emotional wreck that I was when I got out here May 30 if it weren't for CbC. When it was first explained to us near the beginning of Staff Training, my initial reaction to it was 'Oh, good. An easy way out for the people who just don't want to do an activity.' Immature thoughts like that definitely do not bring a staff together, and for that I'm sorry; I now realize my error. I wish that I could re-train my automatic reactions, but I think that learning from them (whether positive or negative) is a better use of knowledge and development of wisdom.

My best explanation of what CbC has done for me is to just say that when something (say, a particularly disliked staff training activity which has been done for years, for example) is mandatory, you may get 100% participation, but you certainly will not earn the trust or respect of the people being forced into remarkably awkward and sometimes painful situations. They say that you will lure more bees with honey than with sh*t. I have to say, it's true. By expressing your concern for others' feelings, it will in turn allow them to open up and trust you.

I heard Bear say (more than once before each activity, for the record), 'I don't mind if you're afraid of something we're doing; it's how you respond to that fear that matters the most.' Something else she said that I'll remember forever is, 'You have to challenge people to push their own limits, and you have to support someone when they're afraid. For example, if you're at the zip line and it kills you to think about going up to the platform... and it takes absolutely everything you've got to just put a harness on, that's great! Congratulations! I'm here for you.' For a little back story, the fall/winter I lived out here, I was trained to belay on the climbing wall (which you have to wear a harness to do... so I know full well how to put one on, properly check it, etc.). When it came down to actually putting on the harness and climbing up the ladder to the 25ft platform, I couldn't remember how or bring myself to actually put the stupid thing on. It was embarrassing, to say the least... but I got through it eventually, and obviously lived to tell the tale. If I had the chance, I may go back and do some things differently through the course of the zip line evening, but all in all I'm ridiculously proud of the fact that I did it at all.

(Written July 22)

So, looking back on the first three weeks of summer, I have been stretched, tested, questioned, stressed, pushed, yelled at, hugged, cried to, confided in, and thrown so far out of my comfort zone so many times I can't even keep track anymore. I've learned to live and work with many, many different people, and have also come to love a large percentage of them, too. To be able to look back on the summer so far with such a different perspective about absolutely everything is refreshing, to say the least. I believe God has given the staff of Egreen this summer the chance to sink or swim... as a team. I also believe that, even though it was never said out loud (that I'm aware of) the summer itself is a Challenge by Choice. In the staff body, each person has to willingly make the decision to hold hands with the people who surround them on a daily basis and jump in with both feet. And it's only when that All For One And One For All mentality is achieved that we can stop focusing on ourselves, but instead focus on everything surrounding us, and in turn have the chance to impact the lives of so many children.

Over the past couple months, I've been constantly challenged by one of the wisest people I know (in a way that positively influences others to think about their actions/reactions, not in the 'I want to punch you every time I see you' kind of way), and as a result, I think I've become a slightly more well-rounded person and am now seeing small glimpses in myself of what kind of leader I am destined to be. And if others are smart enough to put this person's wisdom, knowledge and experience to good use and heed advice when it's given, I think camp as a whole would become a more positive experience for everyone. I know you know who you are, so thank you for being you. It's inspiring to see God have such a strong hold on someone's entire life, and to see them live life so fully for Him.

(Written July 30)

What I'm trying to say, though, is the summer isn't over yet, folks; time to get up and go! I challenge everyone who reads this to look at life as a challenge, and not merely as a series of choices laid out in front of them. Sometimes the correct answer IS the mystery option that was never presented, laughing at yourself and moving on, or running away.

God also gave us a challenge, too: don't compare yourself on others' work (Galatians 6:4 says, "But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbour." Although I seem to like the Message's version better, "Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself to others."). Just because What'sHisName over there can waltz up to a situation and conquer it without fear doesn't mean that you can face the same situation the same way... Every single person on the planet is different, so go by no one's limits but your own, and allow God to challenge you every day (whether that's hugging someone who needs it, listening to people more than talking with them, or jumping off the zipline). Whatever your deal is, it's between no one but you and God.

(Written August 15)

Ultimately, I'd like to have seen some things go differently, run smoother, or have better outcomes this summer, even though the summer isn't over yet. I'd also like to be able to fully put into words what kind of effect this summer has had on my life, but every time I try it comes out sounding silly and immature... I wish I could change that.

Wow, this post has gone from simple entry to some kind of impromptu saga... whoops. Well, I guess I can leave this ridiculously long post with a simple thought:

Challenge by Choice (and Bear for its implementation), thank you. You've done the world a favour.

2011-07-06T07:17:00.002-06:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that I did the zip line yesterday. I even got to see a small part of the amazing sunset before I stepped off the ledge. God is good.

All the time. God is good.

Is Canada really the second largest country in the world?

2011-06-27T21:47:00.004-06:00

So much news, so much change... so few words come to mind. I miss my life in Leth, and yet I'm learning to love my life at Egreen. I wish so many things for my time out here, and so many things for so many people that I hardly know where to start. I've been forced to face everything about myself that I'm not too fond of, work through it while keeping a smile on my face, saving it all in the filing cabinet in my mind for a late-night, loud-music review with my headphones in, lying in bed before I drift off to sleep. Let me be the first to say that I'm not too fond of some personalities in people, and there's one memory that just won't leave me alone, no matter how hard I try.

I've been spending some quality time with Jesus through all this, and yet I keep getting this feeling that no matter how much time I spend with Him, it's just not enough. He's relentless when it comes to my spending time with Him, He just wants it all. Let's see what these next few months have in store for me...

2011-05-19T22:52:00.002-06:00

This honestly couldn't have come at a better time.

You feel the isolation, slowly take a toll
This season of waiting, is starting to get old
Looking for acceptance, and aching for a home
So tired of trying to make it out on your own

There's no easy answer, but one thing you should know
You're not alone, anywhere you go
You're not alone, hear the voice whisper to your soul
A promise you can always hold:

You're not alone, no

You're stuck in a dive and you've almost had enough
Because of what you've been through, it's difficult to trust
You're still barely hanging on, trying hard to fight
If anybody's listening, you want to know tonight

There's no easy answer, but one thing you should know
You're not alone, anywhere you go
You're not alone, hear the voice whisper to your soul
A promise you can always hold:

You're not alone, no

You're not alone
You're not alone

Reach out, don't reach within
I'm it the door, if you just let me in
Reach out for what you need
What you won't find in yourself, you will find in me

You're not alone, hear the voice whisper to your soul
I'll never leave or let you go
You're not alone, I'm with you to the end
You're not alone, I'm closer than a friend
You're not alone, and I'm with you to the end
You're not alone, closer than a friend
You're not alone

brain stew.

2011-05-06T23:38:00.005-06:00

What do you do when your good isn't good enough?
How many times will it take for me to get it right?

It's been brought to my attention lately (through conversations with my teacher and learning my GPA) that I just didn't do as well as I though I had in my last, and most important, year in culinary school. It's also been brought to my attention that I am not the most effective leader I can be, and that my lack of proper communication skills, diplomacy, subtlety, sensitivity towards others, lack of showing initiative/setting an example for others, etc... is where I'm falling short the most (apparently those aren't the only reasons, either).

I thought, up until this past Tuesday, that I was actually doing quite well at school. It was brought to my attention, however, that I wasn't doing anywhere near as well as I'd thought. I was told so many negative things about myself and my supposed behaviour in the span of 20 minutes that I left so angry and confused that I was shaking. Let it be known that I also lost points in my practical exam for listening to my teacher. Figure that one out.

I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I could go back in time to September and do this year of school over again. Knowing what I know now, I would give up almost anything to go back and relive these past 8 months, and have a chance to better defend myself (or defend myself at all) in some key situations. So many things have become so clear to me in the past three days. Many, many missing details have been filled in, and every other perspective of every confusing situation has been revealed... the only piece that's still missing is WHY ME?! And as I typed that, a small part of me already knew that I'll never find out why me. Some things will just always remain a mystery, I guess.

Oh well, such is life. Right?

one month

2011-04-05T23:51:00.003-06:00

Has it honestly been so long already? Yikes. It's certainly been a month to remember, that's for darn sure. I'm loath to say any more on the subject, lest I jinx anything...

But I do have news! I am now officially only doing review for my two exams at school! No more projects to kick my bum, no more stupidity amongst classmates (soon!), no more school! NO MORE SCHOOL! It just feels so good to type... NO MORE SCHOOL, NO MORE SCHOOL, NO MORE SCHOOL!!

And, to think, that just a month ago, I honestly didn't think i'd make it this far.

marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul.

2011-03-06T23:27:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking recently about the rest of 2011, and how/where I'll spend it. There are many options, and most of them have only been presented to me recently, thus sending my plans for 2012 spinning almost into oblivion. (Which is quite distressing.)

I've been so sure of my plan to flee the country for so long now that it's really hard to see that plan be replaced by something so ..... permanent. Also, let it be known that I'm still trying to get over the fact that I don't hate Leth anymore. I've hated it for most of the 4 years I've lived here, and it's only been since September 2010 that I've found deeper connections within this city of transient students.

To make it less confusing (to myself, mostly), I'm going to present my list of options in list-form in its most complete, and most recent form. Here goes nothing...

Option 1 (aka-The Original Plan):
-Stay in Leth until I'm done school in May, move back home, work at TnT for the summer/fall, save money for various trips/moves, take a trip to Europe in August, spend xmas with my mom in RD, then move to Scotland in January in 2012.

Option 2:
-Finish school and leave CP, but find a different job and stay in Leth for the summer/fall (except for the trip to Europe in August), until I move to Scotland in January 2012.

Option 3:
-Finish school and DON'T leave CP, work my bum off till September (except for the Europe thing), move out to Egrn and work for the 'fall season' (September-November?), take xmas off and spend it with my mom in RD, then move to Scotland in January 2012.

Option 4:
-Finish school and just stay in Leth. Forever. Except for the trip in August. But still forever. In Leth.

Option 5:
-Some freak combination of any of the previous options.

Now, all of the options presented have a special meaning for me, and I'd loveloveLOVE to stay here forever, except for the fact that it's a city either built for students, young families, or retirees. As of May 13th, I will no longer be a student, and thus will no longer fit into any of those aforementioned categories. (I already feel like I don't fit into any of those categories; I can only imagine how I'll feel when I officially don't fit them...)

Honestly, too, the only constant in my life (except stress) for the past 7 months has been Jesus, and I haven't even asked Him what He thinks about any of these plans. All of these plans have dictated by me, my heart, or what others think and have told me I should do. Obviously nothing's final until I've moved, gotten on a plane with all my stuff, or ended up in some psychiatric facility pleading temporary insanity... and even then, I'm sure things are negotiable.

Please, please, please pray for me for God to give me a ridiculously clear and undisputable direction for my life in the next year. (A smack upside the head would be a quite welcome sign, at this point.)

I'm learning that I don't do well with change.

Soundtrack to my life at the moment: Mumford & Sons (Sigh No More)

rant

2011-03-06T20:40:00.002-07:00

I should probably get a few things off my chest, but as I've witnessed many a good friendship go awry after a misplaced/poorly timed rant, this is how it'll go:

Rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant, rant!

There. I feel much better now.

Alleluia, Sing

2011-02-27T23:38:00.005-07:00

Like calm comes to a sea; Like snowfall quietly
You come to me

Like justice to the weak; Like a flood rising
You come, You come to me

Alleluia majesty
Alleluia risen king
Alleluia angels sing
Alleluia

Like springtime to winter’s hush
Like laughter to solemnness
Like a sun rising up
You come, You come to us

Like a song rising up in your heart, filling up
Like a heart’s not enough for this love, for this love
To sing of love, to sing of love
To sing of love, love, love…

Alleluia majesty
Alleluia King of Kings
Alleluia angels sing
Alleluia (sing!)

for sjm [I]

2011-02-17T02:38:00.000-07:00

My 'jesus music-worship edition' playlist (or what doubles as the master list of the songs my worship team has done), simply because it's a good place to start:

Format: Song - Artist (Album)

All Creatures - David Crowder Band (Illuminate)
Be Thou My Vision
Beautiful - Paul Oakley (Father Me)
Come Thou Fount - Ghost Ship**
Consuming Fire - Soul Survivor (Glimpses of Glory)
The Earth is Yours - Gungor (Beautiful Things)
Enough - Chris Tomlin (Our Love is Loud)
The Glories of Calvary - Sovereign Grace Music (Songs for the Cross-Centered Life)
Great Are You Lord - Phillips, Craig and Dean (Fearless)
Great In All The Earth - Starfield (I Will Go)
Here Is Love - Ex Nihilo (Rain City Hymnal Vol. 1)**
Immanuel - We Are Creation [not a Mars Hill Church Band, but a worship band from Nashville]
In Christ Alone - Page CXVI (Hymns)
Jesus Paid It All - Kristian Stanfill (Passion: Everything Glorious)
Never Let Go - David Crowder Band (Remedy)
No Other Saviour - Starfield (The Saving One)
Nothing But The Blood - Matt Redman (Facedown)
O Praise Him (All This For A King) - Davis Crowder Band (Illuminate)
The House Of God Forever - Jon Foreman (EP 4 - Summer)
Exalted (Yaweh) - Chris Tomlin (Hello Love)
Poison Tree - Ghost Ship* **
Bless The Lord - Jeff Deyo (Light)
From The Inside Out - Hillsong United (United We Stand)
Gloria - Ex Nihilo* **
Gloria - King's Kaleidoscope**
Lily of the Valley - Steve Birss and Jamila Baillie [this was a recording that two members of The Gate did, and we use this format when we sing it]
Offering - Third Day (Offerings II: All I Have To Give)
You - Tim Hughes (When Silence Falls)
You're Beautiful - Phil Wickham (Cannons)
Lead Me To The Cross - Hillsong United (All of the Above)
Sweetly Broken - Jeremy Riddle (Full Attention)
Jesus, Lord of Heaven - Phil Wickham (Cannons)
Holy God - Brian Doerksen (Holy God)
All Creatures - Keeler**
Doxology - Ex Nihilo* **

*Songs which have not been done by my worship team, but that have made it onto the playlist anyway.

**Songs that were recorded by worship teams at any of the Mars Hill Church branches. Oh yeah, check out the Mars Hill Church, they're pretty rad.

all'improvviso amore [trans. sudden love]

2011-02-17T01:41:00.000-07:00

This is my friend. She is pretty dang sweet. And pretty dang pretty, too.

This is what she posted on her blog, and it immediately screamed at me (in a good way, don't worry). I'm not a 100% sure, but I'd like to think it's talking about God. At least, that's how I read it, anyways.

Those who know me well know that quotes are terribly important to me. (How important? Ask me about my tattoos.) As Fall Out Boy (I know, I know) says in one of their songs, "...I can write it better than you ever felt it." Which, I think, really just sums it up nicely. Don't get me wrong: pictures are nice, and can be breathtaking at times, but words are really where it's at for me. Words are my deal.

In words I can find comfort, hope, inspiration, joy, and any other kind of emotion you could name. One single word can bring to mind so many different emotions I can't name them all, and even just thinking of the memories brought to mind in that span of 5 seconds can, and will, stir up anything from tears to hatred to uncontrollable laughter.

Words are powerful, and so is my God. Through His words, I can find peace, joy, hope, inspiration, comfort, and love. I am loved. God loves me and will never and could never leave me, and I am precious to Him. And in that, I find solace. And realizing that fact is all-powerful.

This just in!

2011-02-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

Valentines Day can kiss my ass.

...that is all.

when you're through thinking, say yes. part deux.

2011-02-09T14:15:00.002-07:00

I don't think I've been more excited for a cd release date! 41 days!

2011-02-09T13:21:00.002-07:00

Time zones and I are quickly becoming the best of friends...

Inspiration

2011-02-09T13:17:00.001-07:00

drop your net [matt. 4:20]

2011-02-07T01:53:00.002-07:00

Allow me to tell you a story. First, I'll set the scene:

My vocal history is entirely choral. The choirs I was in didn't use microphones often, and when they did, they'd just put them in front of the whole choir. As a result of this, I have never actually heard my own voice amplified before. Now, I sing on a worship team, and during sound checks I just kind of sing and don't really listen to myself (if I sing at all; I usually just talk awkwardly). The past few times we've sung as a team, my leader has been giving me small solo parts (probably testing to see if I'm confident, or to give me more confidence...either way), and I've had to adjust to hearing myself in a monitor, which has been difficult to say the least.

This week, when I got the e-mail containg the mp3s of the songs we would be doing on Sunday, I squealed and did a happy dance; we were doing 4 of my 5 favourite worship songs! And one of those 4 songs was my most favourite worship song EVER. This Sunday was going to be the best!

And now for the real story:

So this past Sunday when we were rehearsing, I was having pitch issues, and was getting ridiculously frustrated with the whole situation (I've always had good pitch, and losing it is a huge blow to my ego). Needless to say by the end of rehearsal, and right before the actual service, I was feeling really down and self-conscious, about going up in front of everyone and sounding terrible. When we were all downstairs praying before the service, I sat there feeling so depressed about the fact that I was off, that I ignored the prayers going on right beside me. I sat there and wallowed in all the emotions I was feeling: I felt guilty about ignoring the prayers, I felt depressed about my pitch, I felt guilty about being so selfish in thinking that I had a major role in others' worship, I had an intense fear of ruining someone's worship by being terrible, I considered quitting the team, etc... It was a long time of solitude amongst prayer. Even walking up on stage, I felt like the smallest person in the world, but I had no other choice but to just go with it, so I did.

The first set, to me, felt awkward, forced and slightly less than satisfactory, (even though we were doing a song that I had fallen in love with, had a sweet solo, and knew I could hit perfectly) and I trudged off stage, plunked myself in my chair, and I sat through the whole sermon dreading the second set. I hardly made eye contact with anyone for the fear of seeing disappointment in their eyes about my terrible singing. When I walked back on stage for the second set, I felt so defeated that I don't think I even stepped up to my microphone for the first song (the one with which I'd been having pitch issues). From the Inside Out by Hillsong was next (my most favourite worship song in the world). As the song began, I stepped 2 feet back from my microphone, and just let the music surround me. (And being about 2 feet in front of the drums, that wasn't difficult. Have I mentioned how much I love drums? SO MUCH.) I hesitantly began to sing, and in no time felt a million times better by not feeling all self-conscious, being thisclose to my mic. So I sang, and I sang, and sang some more. I don't think anyone realized it, but I was in tears and practically shouting by the end of the song. My voice hurt and my eyes were red and watery, but I don't think I've ever felt better in my whole life. For about three minutes, there was no one else in the whole world but my God and me. Nothing else mattered, nothing bad could happen to me, I had no worries or inhibitions, and I couldn't think of one single thing except Him. For three minutes I was no longer myself; not a friend, student, co-worker, ex-girlfriend, my mother's daughter... nothing but a scared little girl approaching God with nothing to offer but herself. And He took me into His arms and held me, safe and sound. The thing I crave most: feeling safe and protected.

That's the moment I've been waiting for my whole life. That's the reason why I wouldn't hop off the fence and wholeheartedly into Christianity; I'd always felt something holding me back, and the experience of being in God's presence was exactly it. I finally have a grasp on this God thing, and I can't wait to see what else He has in store for me.

I sought for the King

And He heard me

And delivered me

From my lonely fears

They looked unto Him
And they would attend

And all their faces

Were made unashamed

Gloria, gloria, gloria, gloria.

Oh, taste and see

That the Lord is good

All you people

All you saints
All you children of the King

Oh, taste and see

That the Lord is good
All you people
All you saints
All you children of the King

Gloria, gloria, gloria, gloria.

Magnificent Holy Father, I stand in awe of all I see
Of all the things You have created
But still You choose to think of me.

Who am I that You should suffer Your very life to set me free?
The only thing I can give You, is the life You gave to me.

This is my offering, dear Lord, this is my offering to You, God
And I will give You my life, for it's all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me.

I stand before You at this altar, so many have given You more
I may not have much I can offer, yet what I have is truly Yours.

This is my offering, dear Lord, this is my offering to You, God
And I will give You my life, for it's all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me.

This is my offering.

when you're through thinking, say yes.

2011-01-26T23:59:00.004-07:00

Confession: I've always had a special place in my heart for Yellowcard. They are quite fabulous, and wrote one of my all-time favourite songs. Their new song (the one shown above) just proves to me why I love them so much. It's the happiest-sounding break-up song since this one. Aren't they just the greatest?

Here is love; love is here.

2011-01-19T10:33:00.002-07:00

Scanning one of my previous posts, I realized I say "that's a story for later", or "more on that later" a LOT. Sorry dudes! I promise I'll try to explain most of them...eventually. This one, specifically, will be about my time at The Gate. Let me begin by saying that I LOVE THE GATE. Love it.

So, on with my story. My brother brought me to the church for the first time probably 3.5 years ago, and at the time I was going through a rough patch with God (well, completely ignoring Him, denying Him...ya know), so it was nothing memorable; uncomfortable, even. Every time L would come back to town, we'd go to church then hang out for a bit, usually cause I had to work all day Saturday, then Sunday afternoon, and for the time to hang out with L, going to church an unbeliever was a consession I was willing to make. I sat through probably a dozen or so services through the past 3 years, and little by little, I guess God was poking and prodding at my conscience, trying to get me to pay attention. Most of the time, though, I'd sit through the service and think about what I'd have to do at work that day, what happened at work the day before, reciting songs in my mind... anything to get my attention away from The Big Guy Upstairs.

I'm not exactly sure when things changed, but I remember being at work one day, and realizing that I wasn't happy anymore. I wasn't happy with my work, my social life (or lack thereof), or anything, really. I decided that moving home for the summer was in my (and my bank account's) best interest, and decided that I'd give church one more shot. After all, BBC is my home church, and every once in a while, they still send me care packages and notes of encouragement (which I enjoy). So I moved in with my aunt and uncle who happen to conveniently live about 2.5 blocks away from BBC. I couldn't justify not going. So I put on airs (and a skirt) and willingly went back to church for the first time since I left Egrn 4 years previous. Much to my dismay, then pleasure, I actually liked it. Sure it didn't feel great at first, but I was distracted from all the awkwardness by people who hadn't seen me in forever and wanted to catch up. Thankfully, SF spoke that first week, and that instantly made me feel more comfortable. Then when we went for coffee later in the summer, he helped me sort through some things I'd been avoiding for the better part of my 22 years. So thank you, S, for inviting me to Auxano, for speaking at church, for being willing to listen to incoherant ramblings of a pseudo-believer, and for being an all-around awesome guy! Your family is lucky to have you.

Anywho, when I came back to Leth in the fall, I don't know why I decided on The Gate to be my home church. Maybe because it's close to CP? Plausible. Maybe because it's where L goes whenever he's in town? Perhaps. Maybe because God decided to plant me there? Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! So it was God. Huh.

Also, let it be known that I hate doing new things or being in any kind of spotlight. I'll actually go out of my way, or even out of my comfort zone, to avoid attention sometimes. So the fact that I went to a place where I didn't know anyone and was forced to interact with people I had never seen before (and would hopefully see again, but I wasn't sure, and that's what I was deciding) was monumental. The first Sunday I walked into The Gate, I was overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, anger, awkwardness, embarrassment, hope and comfort. Believe it or not (pun not intended, but welcome), church was always where I'd felt the most comfortable, and part of my reasoning for leaving was trying to see if it was a 'I grew up with it and that's why I'm comfortable' or more of a 'this is God's house' kind of comfortable. So it was God. Huh.

And after I got over the I'm-new-here-and-don't-know-anyone heebeejeebees (sp?)/met some people, I found that I actually liked it. Oh, and there was this cute guy who played guitar (but that's beside the point/history). So I went back. And after the first two or three times, people started remembering me. Gasp! Now people knew my face (and sometimes my name even), and were trying to get to know me. I found my way into a community group (only the coolest community group, for the record), and people began to know me even more. Oh noes! Now if I showed up on Sunday (and I've only missed one since I moved back, and it was xmas and I was in RD, and at BBC), I couldn't be that nameless face at the back who could (and did) slip out without anyone noticing. Crap.

[in a big, sports announcer voice] And this is community.

But I'm happy here, despite things happening/not happening the way I thought they would. I have a group of people around me for the first time in 4 years who actually care how I feel and what's happening in my life. I've met a bunch of really cool people that I can't imagine not knowing now that we've started to get to know each other (BH and AN, for example). I also love that I can have debates with my pastor about how many primal cuts are on a side of beef, then in the same breath have him quote scripture.

This is the kind of church I dreamed of when I was little. I dreamed of a place where I could go and not feel like I was lost in the crowd, but feel welcomed and at home when I walked in on Sunday morning. I dreamed of a place where the pastor's wife didn't gossip about my mom to her friends, but then pretend to be my mom's friend on Sunday morning. I prayed for a place where, if I didn't feel like wearing fancy clothes, I wouldn't be judged for wearing jeans. I dreamed of a church that wasn't a fashion show, or a place to show off your newest whatever. I wanted a church that was real, and full of real people who cared about one another, and who were there for God first and foremost, but the friends there were just a bonus. (And at The Gate, we're mostly all friends, which is a breath of fresh air. Or, if we're not, we at least recognize each other and say hi when we see each other at Starbucks.) I've also dreamed of having friends in Leth -- I've had friends at work, and I've had friends from school, but no one that I could call up randomly and go for coffee with them. Since regularly going to The Gate, I've found friends again. Only two so far, but I'm hopeful for the future.

Well, the time has come for me to go to Community Group#2! Peace, all. And have a fabulous day/week/month/time until we speak again.

-L

ps- Here's my new dilemma: Graduating, quitting my job and moving away have always been synonymous for me, as I haven't really fallen in love with Leth, and have always been looking for a way out. However, recently, every time I think about graduating and moving away, I find I get that this-isn't-right feeling in the pit of my stomach, and find something else I love about this city/another reason I should stay here. It's still in my plan to flee the country, but the when isn't decided yet. I think I'll just focus on graduating (well, and studying/not failing anything until then), then my trip in the summer. Yes, that's what I'll do.

2011-01-11T23:29:00.001-07:00

It's Wednesday tomorrow. Please pray for me? Thanks.

-L

thoughts like fire (or, "l;arsrkfrzjoqxriow,fkr" <- bashes face into keyboard)

2011-01-11T00:10:00.005-07:00

A few posts ago, I mentioned my theory of how I Love My Job Like A Woman Learns To Love An Arranged Marriage. I decided, in light of certain events, that this would be the perfect time to explain what it is, and why I developed this theory. Let me begin with some background:

-When I worked at another restaurant in town, I was told that CP was just an apprentice factory (meaning they take on a large number of apprentices, damn the concequences). And because I'd never known anyone who'd worked there, slash I had never even been there, I believed it.
-I was also told they treated their staff like crap. And believed it.
-When applying for jobs after the aforementioned restaurant had been closed, I applied anywhere but CP, because of what I'd been told.
-I landed the interview through what seems like something I can only say was God smacking me upside the head telling me 'you're supposed to be cooking, you idiot' (only in the most loving and gentle of ways, of course...), and the whole way to my interview I prayed that I would bomb it and not get the job (not even thinking about the fact that I needed a job, like yesterday).
-Somehow (Jesus?) I landed the job, and despite absolutely sucking for the first 6 months I worked there, and through some kind of miracle, they kept me on and helped me grow into a better cook (read: beat me into the person I am today).

So, onto my theory:
-I've only ever personally known one arranged marriage, and in all the time I knew them, I never would have guessed neither of them had planned to be married to one another. Let me also say that they went to my church (kind of important).
-I've only ever seen an arranged marriage ceremony in movies, which generally (and to my recollection) involves a much older man, a young girl fighting against everyone to get away, and a scorned lover of the girl somewhere at/near the ceremony.
In my mind, it would go a little something like this: She is dragged up the aisle by her betrothed's groomsmen, and the ceremony begins while she's fighting tooth and nail to get away. Then after a while, the girl loses her will to fight, gives up, and thus the men who were employed to keep her from running away loosen their grips. She sees her lover, plots silently, then at the perfect time, makes a run for it, knocking down someone's Grandmother/Granfather/elderly relative in the process (so that people will run to them and not her). More often than not, she'll make it to just outside the tent/building/hall/place of ceremony, see her man, bid him an emotional goodbye (or not be able to find him and just stand there and cry) and pause long enough to be recaptured by the groomsmen, dragged back into the ceremony and married to the other dude, much to her dismay. After which she is assigned to a life of being shaped into the perfect wife, and beaten into submission every time she tries to voice an opinion. Most of the time, she just loses her will to fight, begins to believe that she deserves the abuse, and bides her time silently until she dies.

Which brings me to my theory of CP and me:
-CP is an old restaurant. I am a young cook.
-I didn't want that job. I wanted any other job but that one. I got that job.
-I fought tooth and nail at the beginning, because I hated my job.
-They wooed me with talks of raises and special events, only to give them to other, more loved, employees.
-I developed the theory of Seeing Your Job As A Relationship -- and putting as much hard work and dedication into it as possible, and some day (if you're lucky), love will follow.
-I finally began to conform to their ways, and every time I tried to do something out of the ordinary, they'd verbally beat me into submission, and make me conform to their methods.
-Eventually, their methods became second nature to me, and soon enough, their ways became mine. (So, in other words, I drank the Kool-Aid and joined the cult.)
-When I left this past summer, I discovered what it was like to love and be loved by a job, and I fell in love. My CP standard-issue rose-coloured glasses were thus surgically removed.
-I returned, was handed my job/a full-time schedule, and was once again thrust right back into the thickest of the hatred that reigns at CP. (Let me also say that at that point, there were 5 people above me on the totem pole.)
-Then E left.
-Then D left.
-Then A left.
-And K was never around.
-Now I may not be a math major here, but it seems to me like I'm the second on in command?! How the junk did this happ... Oh crap, it's Christmas. Trial by fire, here we come. (Trial by fire/sink or swim seems to be the CP way of training, for the record.)
-Aaaaaand then B turned into a power-hungry psycho, being all paranoid about losing that which he's fought hard to gain. (Cue the song Paranoid Freak by The Trews.) And I started losing my mind, having to work with him every day. I never fought for anything I have gained at CP (except to keep whatever sanity and personality they haven't beaten out of me yet), so he automatically got it all when everyone started leaving, and I got the scraps.
-Now, let this be known: in my time at CP, I have gone from hating it with a burning passion, to not so much hating it, to liking it, to absolutely loving it so much I can't imagine working anywhere else. I still love the place, the kitchen (with all its unique quirks, staff not included), the everything. Except the staff.

[Sidenote! Now D had a theory of his own (and one that I've come to experience is completely true): when a cook at CP stays there long enough to learn how to work around and despite all the broken equipment, fix it on the fly*, swerve around/duck/dodge people and things without thinking, and instinctively adjust the correct use of something to work around how broken/old/rusty/slow/cold-when-it's-supposed-to-be-hot/hot-when-it's-supposed-to-be-cold something is, they become an Unknowing Super-Cook. When that Unknowing Super-Cook gets a job in a kitchen that has equipment that works the way it's intended and is regularly maintained, the USC will automatically become 10x faster and more efficient at everything he/she does, and wonder why everyone else is has issues with stupid little things, like a dripping faucet on a Saturday (duh, grab a wrench and fix it yourself?). I have a feeling this is what I experienced at TnT (although I have zero qualms about why they loved me, because they loved me at all/let me know they loved me).]

-Now, speaking as one who has always had a hard time understanding metaphors, I feel like a woman who once knew love but is now trapped in an arranged marriage, and whose husband drinks like a fish and beats her into submission and back into the kitchen whenever she speaks her mind. Huh.

...or maybe I'm just being dramatic. Wednesday will tell one of two things: an amazing story of courage, or just another girl who lost sight of her dream because of a job she doesn't like. I think Spiritual Growth Month couldn't have come at a more perfect time.

I hope for the best, despite the worst.
-L

*'On The Fly' is a restaurant industry term for RIGHT THE FUCK NOW (please excuse the language).

[WEEP AND HOWL!]

2011-01-10T02:37:00.007-07:00

"I see Your face in every sunrise,
The colours of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens at the light of the day,
I look up to the sky and say 'You're Beautiful.'
Oh, Oh, You're Beautiful, Oh, Oh."

"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good
All you people, all you saints, all you children of the King...
Gloria, gloria, gloria, gloria."

"Lily of the valley, bright and morning star
Fairest of ten thousand, you are, you are.
How can I perceive your beauty,
I long to see your face,
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus."

"In Your Word,
In Your Heart,
By Your Blood,
Lord, You're our Refuge."

These are the sounds of my happiness.

Yup, definitely still awake. At this point (and because my alarm is going to go off in t-minus 2 hours and 53 minutes... not a good night's sleep at all), I'm pretty much in this for the long haul.

So, whenever I think of these songs which are listed in (my favourite) bits and pieces above, the voice in my mind is that of one of the girls from my church. Anyone who goes to The Gate will know who I'm talking about, because there's really only three girls who sing on worship teams, and two of us are on the same team (and have only ever done one of those songs since I've been on the team). Anywho, now that we've established that it's the girl on the team with the synthesizer (and have I mentioned my newfound LOVE of the synthesizer?), it's a good segue into my newfound love of the syth. Since first going to The Gate (Well, since my first recollection of a service... which is probably late August 2010. Even though I'd been attending off and on for almost three years by that point. More on that later, though.) and seeing GE's team lead worship, my mind has been blown nearly every time they're up there. Actually, I'd go so far as to say that my mind has been blown every single time they're all there. Sure, I love the acoustic sets, but there's nothing like being able to feel the music. That's why I loved going to the bar; the feeling deep in your chest when the bass is so loud that you feel it. And now that I can get that at church, I'm all about drums and thumping bass during worship.

...aaaaand all the old folks at my church in RD just collectively gasped at the scandal. "Drums in church? Why, I never!" Which would be why they only got drums about 7 years ago, when all the really old ones started to lose their hearing. Which would also be why I liked the youth-geared services more than the organ-driven Sunday morning service (not that there's anything wrong with organs, per se...) when I regularly attended BBC; they would allow drums. If you haven't picked it up yet, I LOVE BASS. (Not Lance, former BSB. Oh crap, did I just age myself? Although I really don't have anything against the man, that's not what I meant.) I love music that's so loud you can feel it. I LOVE BASS. And synths, apparently.

I hope each and every one of you who reads this (and those who don't, too) finds some kind of music/muse/passion/inspiration/bit of insanity that drives you toward happiness. I found happiness in 2010, and will never give it up now that I've seen 'life on the other side of the fence.' I found happiness when I laughed so hard I cried. I saw happiness watching the children running around, just happy being alive and together. I found happiness in inside jokes with my new friends and attending the most perfect worship service I've ever seen. I found happiness talking of hallucinagenic drugs, the primal cuts on a side of beef, and prairie oysters with my pastor. I found happiness in serving others, even though it meant going almost three days without sleep to prepare for it. I found happiness in common goals, beliefs, and ex-bfs with people I never would have met if it wasn't for The Gate. I found true happiness, for the first time in my life, at The Gate.

And God found me at The Gate.

[prayer of the saints]

2011-01-09T22:00:00.004-07:00

Newsflash: I just re-discovered Caleb Delamont via some random connection on Facebook. I'll think about him (well, a song of his will pop into my brain) every once in a while, and it's usually the most perfect time I need it (God, maybe?). His music was a gift to my ears/soul the first time I discovered it; he actually helped save my life at one point, though he probably has no idea (how could he? I've never actually met the man).

I'm doing Spiritual Growth Month at church, and in light of certain events, it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. One of the stipulations is that I need to spend at least a half hour a day with God. Five minutes of that half hour must be reading, another five must be praying, and yet another five must be journaling, the other fifteen being filled with whatever (dancing in my living room to worship music, maybe?). Seeing as I already pray daily and journal almost daily, I figured that this assignment (with the slight alteration of mandatory Bible reading) would be easy. Haha, oh man was I wrong. So far, I've spend most of the past 6 hours in constant prayer. Not easy. Not fun. Not fair. I'm in a colossal gut-wrenching, guilt-tripping, anger-inducing, school-compromising, life-altering, decision-making position right now, and only God knows how everything will pan out. I'm praying I make it out with what little sanity I have left, intact.

Well, I think I'll go and spend my time with God, and hope and pray that He smacks me upside the head with an answer to my predicament. As it stands, I think I'll stick with the tail-between-my-legs route until further notice.

Peace (and other nice things), all!
-L

Kivinen Tie [trans: Rocky Road]

2011-01-08T22:43:00.006-07:00

1.
Kutsut sitä nyt kun aika on mennyt
Huudat sen perään mitä ei ollutkaan
Kaikki on jo poissa; aika ja minä
Kivinen tiesi vain jäljelle jäi

Ai ai, se palaa
Aina mieleeni uudestaan
Ai ai, ja salaa
Päästän irti ja hengähdän

Laja di deijaa
Laja di deijaa

2.
Elämä jonka valitsit on vaikea kantaa
Suunta jota pidät on raskas pitää
Huutosi kaikuvat vain takaisin itseesi
Kivinen tie vain jäljelle jää

Ai ai, se palaa
Aina mieleeni uudestaan
Ai ai, ja salaa
Päästän irti ja hengähdän

Laja di deijaa
Laja di deijaa

3.
Huomaatko nyt että aika on täysi
Päästä jo irti, sitä ei ollutkaan
Kaikki on poissa; aika ja minä
Kivinen tieni vain jäljelle jää

Ai ai, se palaa
Aina mieleeni uudestaan
Ai ai, ja salaa
Päästän irti ja hengähdän

Laja di deijaa
Laja di deijaa
Laja di deijaa

My favourite line?
Päästän irti ja hengähdän

Translated to English?
Let go and catch your breath

Also, the keychange (at 2:36) breaks my heart. I must go ponder life now. Peace, all.
-L

better late than never?

2011-01-04T23:40:00.001-07:00

Wait, what? You say it's 2011 already? I don't believe you.

Okay, okay. I was only slightly kidding there. I also just realized that I haven't posted a Happy New Year/This Is How I Spent New Years Eve/These Are My Resolutions entry yet. If you want one of those, go somewhere else. ('Cause I don't tend to make resolutions.) On second thought, please don't go; I kind of like you guys! And I think I'll follow my previous tradition of posting a review of the past year. But instead of a month-to-month review, I use a job-to-job style. Don't like it? Tough.

New Years Eve 2010 - After searching through my previous posts, I just found out that I didn't actually post a new years entry last year, and as such have absolutely no recolection of what I did last New Years Eve. Probably the same thing as this year. (I'll keep you in suspense until the end of this review to find out what that was...)

January to May - CP ruled my life. I had tentatively decided to go back to Evrgrn for a while (which I now realize that I don't think I told anyone about those plans), but in the end, decided to return to RD for the summer and party it up RD-style. (Let me inform all of you now that if I once believed that RD had a style, I am now painfully aware that it does not.) So, back to RD I went. After a semi-tough time trying to find a job, I landed the most perfect job in the world.

June to August - TnT is a grungy pub at the south end of town (almost out of town, to be exact), and after getting over the fact that it is a grungy pub, I fell in love with the place. The work ethic which had been beaten in to me over the past two years at CP apparently paid off (as well as Doo's theory about CP cooks, but more on that later), and they fell in love with me in return. (Insert happy, feel-good feelings here. And a happy dance, for good measure.) After my first week there, I had a recipe and a half on the feature menu, a bunch of new friends, and a newfound respect/love of cooking. In all the jobs I've had in my life (which probably isn't much to some people, but whatever), I've never actually been told "Hey, thanks for coming in today; we're really glad to see you!", "You're really great. Thanks for working so hard!", "Hiring you was probably the best desicion we've made in a while.", "We pretty much hit the jackpot when we hired you.", "We all really appreciate how much you do around here!", "Please stay on after the summer ends; J's leaving, and a supervisor position will open up. You should apply! You'd totally do a good job!" by people who actually mean it. I'm not even kidding when I say that I was pulled off line (the line being the place with all the ovens, deep fryers, grills etc... basically where all the food is cooked) by one of my supervisors after a lunch rush one day (bearing in mind that I've only ever been pulled off line to be yelled at and told I suck), just so he could ask me if I was doing alright, to tell me that I was doing a good job, to thank me for doing such a good job/working so hard, and to tell me that I was appreciated! Wait, what? This stuff actually happens in real life? Apparently! And this is even after I had been berating myself for not doing enough (thanks again, CP). Just wow.

August to December - Moving in with T (yay!), and going back to school (yay!)/CP (not so yay) it was for this apprentice. August brings about a time of year for culinary apprentices in Leth that is truly hated: back to school two (sometimes three!) weeks before everyone else in the freakin' city. Lovely, eh? Anyways, I went back to school, fell in love with school all over again, and am still loving school. I went back to CP, fell in love with CP all over again, and then quickly fell out of love when I realized I no longer wore my rose-coloured glasses. Then Doo quit. Then A quit. And then the only members of the Original Crew left were B and myself. Soon after, I was handed keys (well, after more than one occasion of being locked out of the restaurant until 9am, I may have demanded them), a new title (however unofficial it may be), and an ass-load more responsibility I never even wanted in the first place (that's what everyone wants...right?). I barely made it through the dreaded xmas season (and at one point was carrying a very angry, two-page resignation letter around in my purse, waiting for something to go wrong, just so I could hand it in and leave), and skidded though New Years Eve with only a few new mental issues and two physical scars added to my collection since the New Years Eve 365 days previous.

New Years Eve 2011 - ...surprise, I worked! And after this past NYE, I can honestly say that I've baked 8 dozen dinner rolls, in the middle of dinner rush (which is a stupid idea even on a regular weekday), while dodging four other cooks flinging blazing hot saute pans around, who also probably cursed my very existance for taking up all of their oven space on the third or fourth busiest day of the year (depends on the year). It's a wonder I even made it through the shift alive, to be honest.

What I learned in 2010: (a short version, obviously)

-I learned that life is too short. Too damned short, in some cases (Michaud Favre being one).

-I learned that I depend on Facebook more now since Michaud died, just to keep up with friends' whereabouts.

-I've learned that I never want to run a kitchen. Ever.

-I learned that watching/hearing the flesh melt off your arm isn't a fun experience/feeling. I wouldn't recommend trying it.
-On the same topic, I learned what a tendon looks like, up close and personal. Sure, it took a trip to my friendly neighbourhood emergency room and 5 stitches to fix, but I actually got to see a tendon in my own arm. So cool! Also, not an experience I'd suggest trying, but wicked nonetheless.

-I learned that removing yourself/running from a situation is sometimes the best solution.
-And in hindsight, it actually was the best solution to the situation at hand.

-I have learned that a quiet Christmas at home with my mom is better than not being able to go home for Christmas. Plus, it makes my mom happier.

-I learned that having friends makes life quite a bit easier.

-I learned I really, really love my newfound Leth friends. A shout-out to: BH! AN! MK! RK! DK! AH! EP! SB! CN!
-On a related note, I learned that it's going to be ridiculously difficult to leave The Gate when I leave Leth. So ridiculous, in fact, that I don't even like to think about it.

-I've learned what a happy, healthy marriage looks like, and I hope to have something so great in my life one day.

-I learned that I quite enjoy laughing so hard I cry, because it means I'm happy and feel safe. I learned I like being happy and feeling safe.

-I am still in the process of learning what kind of leader I am and aspire to be, and can say that this is the hardest lesson I've learned so far. I know what kind of leader I don't want to be, but how do I avoid becoming one?

-I learned to love CP again. It's still a work in progress, and still has the hatred/unpleasant feeling of an arranged marriage (have I told you about my I Learned To Love My Job Like A Woman Learns To Love An Arranged Marriage Theory?), but I'm diligently and honestly working on it. Some days more than others, though.

...aaaand now I'm off to bed. Too little sleep and uberstress are in store for the rest of this week/month/year. Yay life!

Until next time, keep fit and have fun!
-L

xmas redux

2010-12-28T01:13:00.005-07:00

Since Christmas last year, I've been dreading the happy holiday this year. I've changed in so many ways, and yet remained the same in others. I've worked my butt off, I've slept very little, I've cried lots (sometimes from laughing), I've lost, I've discovered, I've rediscovered, I've loved, I've hated, I've loved again, I've been hurt, I've been injured. It's been a year to remember, to say the least.

To my surprise, this year, once I returned to RD, I felt instantly at home. I've missed this dirty city; well, I've missed TnT more than anything. When I saw TnT, I nearly cried, I was so happy to just be near it again. I miss those boys so, so much.

When I got home, after the expected hugs 'n' such from the mother, we settled right into our tradition of each being on a computer, right next to each other, and not talking. It was perfect. Then something reminded me! (probably Facebook) I wanted to share something with my mom! PHAO. As expected, she loved it, and all was well with the world.

Heading to the Chapel for the Xmas Eve service, I began to get nervous about all the people I'd see, and haven't seen in months (years?). But all passed in a pleasant blur, and mom and I returned home, only to sit at our respective computers for the next few hours. Some may think us sad for our tradition of sitting so close and yet not actually communicating, but we enjoy it, so I say Pah! to anyone who may think that.

Christmas passes in the most awesome way possible (2 naps!), and somewhere along the way, I actually convinced my mom to wrap the turkey in bacon. Her reaction the first time I suggested it: Why? My response: Why not? And somehow she AGREED. Best. Turkey. Ever. I didn't take any with me when I left, so she's probably still eating it.

So. How did I get home, some of you may wonder? Well, I happened to accept the offer of a ride from JR. Yup, you read that correctly. I spent 4.5 hours in a car with my ex. Twice actually, because we came home together, too. And except for the initial awkwardness (which, I hope was only me thinking it was awkward, not actually because it was awkward), it was quite nice, and it reminded me of all the reasons why we're still friends. The elephant in the back seat did make an appearance in conversation on the way home, and I was able to clearly (competently? less incoherently?) voice my thought processes on the night I broke up with him. Thankfully, he took it all in stride (actually, I think he may have been the one who initially brought it up), and commended me (in a weird way) for listening to God instead of just taking the route I wanted.

My exact explanation, verbatim? "God said no."

Honestly though, we were only together for exactly 2 weeks. And who would have thought that I would be the one to end my first relationship? I certainly didn't, that's for damn sure. God just seemed to blindside me with a resounding NO when I brought my relationship before Him, and the more I fought Him on it, the louder His answer became. There were also a few very small signs (5 stitches is small, right?) that told me I was being stupid in running. 'Freak accident' or not, I believe that was God kicking me in the face (well, wrist), and forcing me to listen. Thankfully I didn't have to drive off the rooad and down a hill for that to happen (actually happened to JR last year). So I did. It may have taken me a few more days, but I did eventually listen. And except for the actual I-broke-up-with-my-first-boyfriend part, it hasn't been too terrible. We're on the same worship team at church/are both part of the Lunch Group, which forced a familiarity quite soon after I ended things, which was most likely for the best.

I’m learning that I tend to run from situations/silently put up with crap that I don’t want to deal with/stand up to, and I will run from/put up with it for a long time. Two and a half years (so far) is my record, and as it stands, it’ll end at the three year mark. But! Less about work, more sleep. I’ll leave with a couple final thoughts.

Keep fit and have fun,
-L

2010-12-25T02:04:00.002-07:00

This was just too good to not share!

Oh, and Happy Christmas everyone!!

-L

Blast from the past, much?

2010-12-24T02:00:00.005-07:00

I've been feeling rather nostalgic, and have probably read over the majority of my old posts/organized them finally. While being all nostalgic and stuff, I came across these beauties that were just too good not to share:

Steve Don't Eat It
On The Moon

Ohmigosh. SO FUNNY.

O Holy Crap

2010-12-24T01:52:00.002-07:00

You NEED to listen to this guy! This song is an awesome mix of grossly horrifying and scarring.

I dare you to listen to the whole thing.

Christams.

2010-12-23T22:19:00.004-07:00

First off, those of you who know the story will know that the title of this post is not a spelling error.

Second, I'm quickly learning that nail polish is soooooo not worth it. I just spent the past 25 minutes "doing my nails," which consisted of me spilling the nail polish on my tablecloth, cleaning it up, painting my nails once entirely, deciding they weren't pretty enough, taking the polish off, putting on a base coat, painting 8 nails, spilling the (dark purple) polish on the beige carpet in the dining room (why oh why didn't I just do this in the bathroom?!), using countless cotton balls and half a bottle of nail polish remover to try my best to get it out of the carpet, thus ruining my 8 painted nails in the process, then deciding that it wasn't worth it, and taking all the polish off, once and for all. So not worth it.

So, Christmas. It snuck up on me yet again, and this year has thrown a couple new rocks at me in the process: I'm going home for 1.85 days total, and am making the 4 hour trip with my ex. Such is my life.

[Update on the nail polish situation: my cuticles were still all purple from the two failed previous attempts, so I decided that I was going to make my nails purple if it was going to kill me. So I did! I'm happy to announce that I have now successfully painted my nails for the first time in a year!]

Onwards to the more confusing parts of my life. Work has been challenging at the best of times recently. I was told today that the food I produce 'looks like shit.' I'm trying my best to believe he wasn't being serious, but it's extremely difficult to not internalize a statement like that, especially when I've been having such a rough go at it lately. This is a job I've had for two and a half years now, and the guy who's been there for a few months (but who has his Seal already, which is important) feels confident enough in his position to tell me something like that, then promptly kick me off the line (where all the food is cooked in a commercial kitchen) is mind boggling. The fact that he got away with it left me speechless for a couple hours. Literally. I stood in the back hall (the farthest point away from line that's still in the kitchen), and peeled masking tape labels off about 50-some-odd lids for the 16L pails we use. No one even noticed I was there, unless I was in their way, which made the internalizing process that much more damaging. While standing there thinking 'This is the best use of your skills from being here for two and a half years? Really? This is a joke.'

During my time in my back hall exile, came to a conclusion and made a resolution about my life. I'll share the conclusion, but not the resolution (for personal reasons). I've said it before, and I've known for some time (but without acknowledging) that I honestly and truly believe that I am not meant to be happy. I'm also fairly certain that I'll be single for a large part of my life. And seeing so many couples appearing in the most unlikely people, hearing about so many engagements/pregnancies/births etc... is getting really old, really fast.

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

I guess I should go pack now. Peace, all.

-L

There's an L on your forehead, and it doesn't stand for Loser...

2010-12-14T18:32:00.006-07:00

...Liar!

Most of the time, I'm really glad that people think I'm not a very good liar. However, most of the time I say I'm a terrible liar, I'm lying. I'm also sarcastic to a fault. Truthfully? I hate both of these things about myself, but I'm not sure how to go about changing them. Also, most of the time, I'm not even sure I want to change them. Oh well, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to a final decision.

At the moment, I'm sitting in the computer lab at school, waiting for a classmate of mine, so we can go see a play. I'm terribly excited that I finally [read: FINALLY] found someone who was actually free tonight, and am glad that he's beside himself excited, but at the same time, I'm quite disappointed that none of my first choices were available. I've had this feeling that I made the wrong choice the night I broke up with JR for a few days now. It's not a nice feeling to have, but it's there, and there's nothing I can do about it.

My relationship was new, and could be described as awkward, at best. It was my first relationship, so I had no idea what I was doing 99% of the time, so it took me a few days to figure out what felt off. I liked [really, really liked] him so much, which made it infinitely harder to break up with him. After he left, I felt like shit (sorry for the language), and continued to feel the same way for a few days. I spent the days after immersing myself in work (despite the first day off that I'd been scheduled in a few weeks), and did very little else. During that time, I came to the realization that I really do love my job, and will always be comforted (and sometimes haunted) that it will always be there for me.

When I started at CP two and a half years ago, I had three other jobs, and hardly, if ever, slept. It was sort of comperable to dating 4 people at the same time, actually. I could never keep my schedules straight, I was always (ALWAYS) tired, and was never happy. When I began to look at my life like that, I realized that I should focus on one job, just as people focus on one significant other at a time (or, if they don't, they should). Once I quit my three other jobs (in one week, too), and began focusing on CP, I began improving at an astronomical rate, compared to what it had been before. The most significant thing that changed was that I started caring for a job that I'd hated, and then in time, began to love it. And now that I've spent the past two years 'seeing' CP, it's fairly difficult fitting anything else into the mix. Then JR came along, and I tried, I really tried, to make it work. But, as before, I found myself tired all the time, not able to focus at work (my first love), and always feeling sick because I felt like I was cheating on each of them, with the other. And after only a couple weeks, I ended my first relationship. I'm fairly certain that I blinsided him with it, and never, ever again want to see hurt and betrayal in someone's eyes when they're looking at me.

I've made a resolution/goal/rule for myself for any new relationships I may enter: he must know and understand that until I get my Red Seal, CP will be my first love. I am an apprentice (read: bondservant) of that restaurant, and am at its mercy until I'm done school in May. Painful, trying, frustrating, agonizing, joyful and rewarding as it may be, I'm there for the long haul. Even if the bad outweighs the good and I find myself carrying a letter of resignation around in my purse every day, I just have to consciously find things to make me happy, and keep on keeping on.

And all we know is that things aren't getting better,

So we both hide out as we weather out this storm.

Until we both find hope, we will make each other suffer,

So we go our seperate ways, and hope our paths will cross.

words, hands, hearts

2010-12-13T01:13:00.004-07:00

My life has been terribly interesting and agonizingly busy lately, to say the least. I wish I'd written when all the emotions were still fresh in my mind, but it may be best that I dealt with them all personally, just God and me, and not posted them all over the internet. In the course of the past month, I've come to know love (or, at least the very beginings of what could have been love), jealousy, hatred, self-loathing, pity, and have seen a depth of pain that I never want to see again for the rest of my life.

Recently, I read a blog all about "A Day In My Mind," and it got me thinking (which is kind of what blogs are set to do, right?). If someone were to spend even one day in my mind, seeing things as I see them, experiencing things as I do, and knowing what I know... I think they probably wouldn't survive. This past weekend, one of my best friends (KG) came down to Leth to visit and such. I cleared my schedule as much as I could, and tried to get her involved with everything I couldn't dump or avoid for three days. She was down Friday, Saturday and Sunday until around noon. Bearing in mind that I had cleared my schedule to the best of my ability, allow me to let you have a glimpse of what this 'relaxed' weekend looked like:

[Leading up to the weekend: First off, I'd been planning this Christmas party with a girl from church, and despite how excited I was about the event itself, I was having one heck of a time trying to find all the hours I needed to plan/prep for it. Wednesday, I was at CP by 7.30a to let the prep crew in, then from 11-1.30p, B and I went shopping for all the decorations etc that we'd need, then I worked 2-10p. Thursday, I was at CP by 7.30a again, ran some errands I'd been neglecting for the past few weeks, then was back at work 11a-8p, went grocery shopping for the party the next day from 9p-11p, went home, and began prepping the food. When I was totally spent around 3a, I collapsed into my bed, was awake by 5a, and back at CP by 6.30a with all my food, to use some of the equipment I needed, but didn't own. Officially began working at 8a, when the prep crew showed up, and continued to work until 4.15p, when KG came to the restaurant to pick me up. And this is what the actual 'weekend' looked like:]

Friday, 4.15pm: Still at work, watching the hands tick by the seconds that have passed since KG got here. Slightly freaking out because I'm 98% sure I've missed something important for the party, and can't figure out what it is or how I can fix it. I have a bad feeling about tonight.

4.25pm: After signing off with KK, BG, and JS (who doesn't even know/care what's going on), I'm finally allowed to leave! I'm changed in about 3 minutes (a personal record, for actually changing out of my full uniform), and out the door by 4.30.

4.33pm: Arrive at the church, only to find we're locked out. After a few minutes of knocking, DK lets us in, and I proceed to look for SB (who told me she'd be there, but never answered her phone). We find her in the basement, and all is well. After B arrives, fashionably late and fabulous of course, we set up and create as perfect an atmosphere as possible in the drafty church.

5pm: KG and I leave, so I can go home and shower (and not smell like a dirty kitchen man, thank goodness). We get to my house, and I hop in the shower after some quick introductions, as TB was home at the time.

6.20pm: A little late in leaving, but will still get there on time, thankfully. Until B sends me "Could you pick up some ice?" via text. Sure, why not? The hostess is allowed to show up fashionably late to her own party, right? So we get ice, then head to the church.

6.40pm: (10 minutes after party was scheduled to start) I'm in the middle of setting up, and finally realize what I'd been forgetting...crackers for the hummus dip and bruschetta I'd made! Shoot. So, KG and I haul ass to London Drugs, execute the most perfect 5 minute shopping trip ever, and get back to the church ASAfreakingP.

6.50pm: Finally, I can breathe, relax, and enjoy my party! I pull off my coat, hang it up, set up the rest of my food, and mingle (stealthily avoiding JR, who isn't wearing the ugly plaid suit like I thought he would). I look around and honestly can't believe how many people showed up! This is AWESOME.

9.30pm: We're in the middle of cleaning up (picking confetti off the floor, dumping juice down the sink, etc...) when I hear people talking about going to a movie. What a perfect end to a perfect day! So we all finish cleaning quickly, and converge around Fish at the computer. We decide on The Tourist, I think, and all head out.

9.45pm: We all get to the theatre and find out that the new Narnia movie (which wasn't listed on the website, for the record) is playing at 10.05, so we change our minds and decide to see that instead. As I'm paying for my ticket, I realize that it'll end after midnight. Ah well, too late now.

10pm: We all pile into theatre 10, and settle ourselves into our comfy seats and sexy 3D glasses. I'm not sure exactly what time it was, but I definitely fell asleep for a small portion of the movie (bearing in mind that I've been awake and running for the past 17 hours), then when I woke up, had absolutely no idea what was going on for a few minutes. Luckily, the movie was easy enough to follow that I fell right back into the plot in no time, and didn't fall asleep again (during the movie, anyways).

Saturday, 12.30am: KG and I finally get home, and are just getting ready for bed when TB and MW come home and start watching tv. KG had been planning on sleeping on the couch, but wanted to go to bed asap, so I gave her my room. I'll bet she was alseep 10 seconds after her head hit the pillow.

2am (I think?): A long, long time after my vision blurred because of lack of sleep, TB finally went to bed, so I crashed on the couch about 3 minutes after MW left. I'll bet I was asleep about 10 minutes after my head hit the pillow.

7.28am: After sleeping through 2 alarms, KG wakes me up, and tells me that it's 7.30. We had planned to leave at 7.45. Crap. Well, I haul my sorry butt out of bed, and stumble around, grabbing things and getting ready at the same time. (Needless to say, I was unhappy about sleeping in.)

8.05am: Make it to the restaurant, only to find that TR actually showed up this morning. Lovely. Also, I realize after telling KG I'd be 2 minutes, the prep charts aren't done. Super. So I rush through them as quickly as I can, sorting through the catering stuff from the night before ('Holy crap, was that only last night?!'), and it takes me about 20 minutes to finish, grab my ipod (which I'd forgotten in my haste to leave yesterday), and leave. 2 minutes = 20 minutes, right?

8.30am: KG and I arrive at the college for Rum Ball Making Day for the CCFCC, and settle all in and stuff. After I guzzle a coffee, refill, and slowly finish the next, the day begins and passes in a blur. Until noon, that is.

12pm: After some calculations, ChD and ChS told us that we would have ample leftovers, so we stopped making rum balls, and began packing them all up, so people could take their balls and leave.

1pm: It's quickly dawning on us all that we're not going to have enough product to fill our 104 orders. (That's 2 496 rum balls, if you were wondering.) We try to remedy the situation, but end up failing miserably, as the last 3 batches we had made either contained too much rum, not enough cake crumbs, or some freak combination of the two. (Which, considering the fact that we'd all been sampling the rum all day...maybe not such an accident. Whatev.) So we all pile into the refrigerated meatcutting classroom (with a consistant temperature of 3 degrees) and roll the balls as fast as we can, but they're all melting into little puddles right before our eyes, and we're getting frustrated. ChD comes in around this time, and asks if we're okay with spaghetti for lunch. Obviously, after being there for 5 hours and only consuming coffee and rum, and given the chance to warm up as none of us can feel our fingers anymore, we answer with a resounding YES PLEASE.

2.30pm: After a delightful (hot!) lunch of spaghetti and meatsauce with spicy Spolumbo sausage and the expected sit-around-and-tell-kitchen-war-stories time, we head back to work.

3pm: ChD is quickly getting frustrated with the rum puddles as well, I can tell that the day is far from being over, I'm starting to feel the 7 hours of sleep I've had in the past 48 hours, and I choose this time to collectively decide for myself and KG that we're done for the day.

3.30pm: We head back to my house, and each dive head-first onto our respective couches, and settle in for a well-deserved nap.

4.05pm: My phone rings. However, before I answer, I fling myself off the couch and down the hall, so as not to wake KG, who's still sleeping. It's KK calling to see if I've seen his wallet. I haven't, he curses a few times, we hang up, and I go back to my couch. I'll bet I fell asleep within 15 seconds.

5pm: AK calls for some fashion advice, and I decide that rather than fling myself off the couch yet again, I'll stay put for the conversation I assume will be short.

5.30pm: AK and I finally hang up, because she has to go to her staff Christmas party for her new job. By this time, I'm in my room, so I go back to the living room (hoping for more nap time), only to find that KG is awake. Oh well, if I'd slept more, I won't sleep tonight, and that's probably the last thing I need at this point. KG and I hang out for a while, then we collectively decide we're hungry and head to Cheesecake for dinner.

7.30pm: We make it to the restaurant, and are told that we have a 20 minute wait for a table. KG wants cheesecake, so we wait. We chat/people watch until our table is ready, and have a delicious appetizer, dinner and dessert. 'Twas quite lovely when all was said and done.

9pm: KG and I finally head home, and fall into our respective beds for the night.

Sunday, 9am: KG wakes me up yet again (since when do I sleep in?!), and we proceed to get ready for church. BG informs me that he'll be coming to church, too, so I'll have two shadows following me around. Sweet.

10.06am: We get to church, find BG, find seats and settle in. We're sitting quite a bit farther back than I usually like, but they're new, so I go easy on them; the huge speakers sitting right in front of the stage aren't always the most fun for people who aren't used to them. By the time people realize that it's me sitting with the new kids, they begin giving me weird looks (which I didn't expect at all), and the weird looks get even more awkward when JR looks out from on stage, sees BG next to me, and I see a flicker of pain in his eyes. Whether either of us likes it or not, I can still read that man like a book. (Which is the subject of another post, another day.) I introduce BG and JR after the service, so as to clear up any confusion they have about one another. I can tell JR still likes me, and it makes things so weird between us. KG leaves.

12pm: We (the Lunch Group) head to the mall for our traditional after church group bonding, and proceed to be ignored by EP (who's on the phone with her fiance, then someone looking for an iphone, then her fiance again, then a friend), and creeped out by BG. Altogether a memorable lunch.

1.30pm: BG and I walk to work, open, close and leave by 9.20, and I'm home by 9.30.

Monday, 1am: Which brings us to now. Would that be a relaxed weekend for any of you, I wonder?

And why am I still awake at 1am, do you ask? The answer is quite simple, actually: when I write, I completely lose track of time. I had originally intended to write this in an hour, but as I look at the clock now, I realize it's taken two. There are worse things that could happen, so I'm pretty okay with it for the moment. When my alarm goes off in 4 hours and 56 minutes, however, I may curse the writing bug. I guess I'll sign off for now, but I hope to write again soon! (...ish?)

Keep fit and have fun!
-L out.

And all we know is that things aren't getting better,

So we both hide out as we weather out this storm.

Until we both find hope, we will make each other suffer,

So we go our seperate ways, and hope our paths will cross.

Another one for the list...

2010-11-29T00:23:00.003-07:00

Seems I need this now more than ever
Can't remember the last time I felt so alive
I need that feeling back
I tear this photograph apart
Because I know I'm so much healthier alone
But it's not getting any easier
I'm staring at the phone

It's better when no one knows,
And the scar from the lie still shows.

So take this picture that I've drawn
Another face for you to try on
Of the time I fell asleep in your arms
[Wake up with hands around my neck]
When my happy ending depends upon pretending,
Burn it down!
I want to let this go; this is my memento.

And any time you want to let me know that you're not happy,
I'd rather know than have you hate me
'Cause you're not the only one whose voice is raw from screaming
All the noise that we don't need,
Salt in the wound may stop the bleeding

It's better if no one knows,
and the scar from the lie still shows.

So take this picture that I've drawn
Another face for you to try on
Of the time I fell asleep in your arms
[Wake up with hands around my neck]
When my happy ending depends upon pretending,
Burn it down!
I want to let this go, but this is my memento.
This is my memento.

And all we know is that things aren't getting better
So we both hide out as we weather out this storm
Until we both find hope, we will make each other suffer
So we go our seperate ways and hope our paths will cross.

And all we know is that things aren't getting better
So we both hide out as we weather out this storm
Until we both find hope, we will make each other suffer
So we go our seperate ways and hope our paths will cross.

Take this picture that I've drawn,
Another face for you to try on
Of the time I fell asleep in your arms.
[Wake up with hands around my neck!]
When my happy ending depends upon pretending,
Burn it down!
I want to let this go, but this is my memento.

When my happy ending depends upon pretending, [This is my memento]
Burn it down!
I want to let this go, but this is my memento.

Memento - Phao

2010-11-29T00:19:00.000-07:00

So the truth came out
But I took my anger and laid it down
You see, well I'm not gonna to fight
So take my sword, my shield, my pride

Turning your body you tell me, no I cannot make it
Kissing you lips, oh it kills me, no I cannot take it
Tell me the truth love, did we just bend or did we break it?
Living a lie is not easy

Throw a stone into the sky and it will come back to you
Beggars will beg, thieves will steal and liars will bend the truth
And if you pick a flower you know it's bound to die
And I will wait for you

Well, I stood still and stared in your eyes
I could trace the path of the tears you cried
And cried and cried and cried

Turning your body you tell me, no I cannot make it
Kissing you lips, oh it kills me, no I cannot take it
Tell me the truth love, did we just bend or did we break it?
Living a lie is not easy

Throw a stone into the sky and it will come back to you
Beggars will beg, thieves will steal and liars will bend the truth
And if you pick a flower you know it's bound to die
And I will wait for you

I never wanna see you cry
I never wanna leave your side
I only wanna live this life standing next to you
I will wait for you, wait for you

Turning your body you tell me, no I cannot make it
Kissing you lips, oh it kills me, no I cannot take it

Throw a stone into the sky and it will come back to you
Beggars will beg, thieves will steal and liars will bend the truth
And if you pick a flower you know it's bound to die
And I will wait for you

So the truth same out
But I took my anger and laid it down

I Will Wait For You - Theo Tams

These guys are brilliant.

2010-11-27T21:48:00.002-07:00

forgetful waltz

2010-09-29T21:32:00.002-06:00

Recently, I've realized just how much I say the phrases "Sure, yeah" and "Yeah, sure." And I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet.

Also, I made a promise to myself many, many years ago (what feels like a lifetime, to be honest) that once I walked away from the church, I wouldn't go back. Promise broken. I promised myself that I wouldn't regret leaving, because life was clearly better on the outside. Promise broken. In one moment of complete weakness, I also promised that if I heard one specific song in worship again (remember that I never thought I would go back, so it was a moot point), I would take that as a sign that I was in the right place...or something. I honestly didn't know at that point what I would do if I ever heard that song again, because every time i'd heard it before, it had torn my heart out and put the words of that feeling on the screen in front of me. Or it just tore my heart out and stood there in front of me, holding my still-beating heart, grinning. And, let me tell you, not many songs can do that to me. I could probably name all of them on one hand, and still have fingers left when I'm done counting. Off the top of my head, I count two. And lately, I've been searching out songs that produce those reactions in me, just to prove that I'm still alive.

Instead, it seems, I've found something else in my quest for heart-tearing songs. Something completely different, and yet, completely perfect. I'm loath to talk about, for now at least. But don't worry, it's nothing important enough to not have told the most important people (KG). For now, I think, I'll just scoot off to bed; morning comes way too early these days.

Until next time, keep fit and have fun!

2010-09-28T23:11:00.004-06:00

I found God
On the corner of First and Amistad
Where the west
Was all but won.
All alone,
Smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?"
He said, "Ask anything."

Where were You
When everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone
That never rang.
When all I needed was a call
From the corner of First and Amistad?

Lost and insecure
You found me, You found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd You have to wait?
Where were You? Where were You?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

In the end,
Everyone ends up alone.
Losing her;
The only one who's ever known
Who I am,
Who I'm not and who I wanna be.
No way to know
How long she will be next to me.

Lost and insecure
You found me, You found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were You? Where were You?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me

Early morning
The city breaks.
I've been calling
For years and years and years and years,
And You never left me no messages.
You never sent me no letters.
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want.

Lost and insecure
You found me, You found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you? Where were You?
Lost and insecure
You found me, You found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were You?
Just a little late
You found me, You found me.
Why'd You have to wait
To find me, to find me?

You Found Me-The Fray

2010-09-27T14:20:00.006-06:00

At the moment, I'm sitting in my friendly LC Library Computer Lab, "doing my homework." And it's going SO well, can't you tell?

On this assignment, we're supposed to make an organizational chart, detailing how our restaurant is run. And, let me tell you, that is easier said than done. When D first explained this assignment to us, my first reaction was "...how many branches are allowed to be on the tree? And can it be one of those trees that burrows a root underground for a while, and shoots it back up in the middle of nowhere to make a new tree?" I can't even make it LOGIGAL, let alone organized! Needless to say, this assignment isn't off to the greatest start, and it isn't likely to get much better. But, it's for school, so I'm going to do my best and hope for the best (and that D's having a good day when he grades it).

[We interrupt this post for a funny story: My cell phone just rang, and as I was running out of the library (which has ZERO cell service...I'm still trying to figure out how it even rang in the first place), I practically walked right into Mr and Mrs Pawlak, their son M, and who I'm assuming to be M's girlfriend (what, with the public hand-holding and all). As weird as that was, and with all the double takes I had to do (my brain has been into playing tricks on me lately, and unfortunately, hallucination is one of the more popular ones), M was the only one who recognized me! But it was only for a second, and because I was talking on my phone and not really waving at them, he probably thought it wasn't me. Then, about 3 minutes later, I'm sitting on the side of the hallway (still on my phone, thinking if I should go chase them down and say hi or not...I mean, I was talking with my lawyer), they walk by again. This time, Mrs looks right at me, I wave while making eye contact, and she STILL DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME. Ah well. The next time I'm in RD, I'll give them a hard time for it.]

So, back to my assignment (but not really). I've realized lately that when I'm in a good mood, I'm a particularly parenthetical writer (and thinking that about myself makes me smile... mostly because it's fun to say). Also, back in the summer, my mom said something to me that I've never heard before: "You should write a book; like Waiter Rant (she's lately obsessed with that book/blog). You're a good writer, you should totally go for it!" Honestly, I've never been told that I'm a good writer. I write to vent, rant, explain, keep from exploding, or even, just to write. I'm finding myself kind of weird that way. I'll be good at something, but I'd rather stay in the background and teach/counsil/advise/correct/whatever; I'll stay justjust out of the spotlight. And wouldn't you know? I'm happy here. I'm happy in the shadow of the limelight, and even though I do get my moment every once in a while, it's usually enough for me. I wish I had the confidence to go and grab the bull by the horns and not take no for an answer, risk it all, and hit it big time. But the risking is the thing I have the greatest trouble doing. I'm happy and comfortable in my little self-created bubble, and despite many people trying to get me out of my bubble, so one's succeeded yet. So I'll keep on keeping on, and hopefully one day I'll change. Maybe. If I feel like it that day.

I've also recently come to the horrible realization that I might not hate Michael Bublé as much as I intended, which is quite distressing. He's good, quite good actually, and despite the fact that I've always proclaimed to hate him... I can't quite do that anymore. What am I going to focus my hatred on now, if it's not Matt Dusk's main competition in the music industry? I think this is one of those pure *facepalm* moments life loves throwing at me. However, I'll take 10 *facepalm* moments over one hallucination any day. And if they don't go away sooner or later, I'll probably have to go see someone to make sure I'm not insane or anything. Lovely.

Also, I have seen waaay too many pairs of short shorts being worn today.

Keep fit and have fun all!

happy boys and happy girl[s]

2010-07-22T01:55:00.002-06:00

Greatest quote of the day? "You'll NEVER forget working here! This is probably the best thing that's ever happened to you. Don't deny it."

...oh, how right you were, Leilei.

And life goes on...and on and on and on.

2010-07-18T00:55:00.002-06:00

What up! I've decided that after an undetermined period of time, that I'll give this a shot again. It's been a while, that's for sure, and I'm not totally sure if I'm sad about it yet.

Life's been interesting, to say the least, and it' sure as heck moved on. Two years of school down, one to go! I'm STOKED to graduate! Also, I thought I'd share my recent (or not so recent) accomplishments, because I'm sure that everyone outside of the blog world is tired of hearing about them by now.

First: I was hit by a car in October. I'll set the scene for you: I'm at work, and it's day 10 of 13 in a row, so I'm over eating pizza, salads and pasta for lunch and decide to visit a friend who works at a restaurant 2 blocks away, and get lunch there. I'm waiting for the light to turn green at the first intersection, then it does, I start walking, and BAM! I'm hit by a car, and lying on the ground before I realize what's even happened. I remember the sound of his engine accelerating, my gasp when he hit me, the sound of him hitting me, flying through the air (although to be fair, I thought I'd imagined this, but after reading the witness statements, I was reassured), hitting the ground, my face skidding along the concrete, etc... so everything. A lot happened in about 5 minutes, and my life changed yet again. I daresay that I'm almost used to life shit-kicking me by now, if anyone can believe that. So I just laid there as everything was happening around me. There were a few moments when I was strapped to the backboard, unable to move, when all I wanted was to jump off and yell 'Just kidding!' and go back to work. No deal. But nothing was broken (pretty much a miracle), so I'm thankful for that. Anyways, after months and months of physical therapy/testing/generally gimping around, I can pretty much walk normally again...-ish. But I'm dealing with that.

Second: <-- the place I finished in my practical exam in Second year! I lost First by a whopping 0.5%, and I'm mostly over it now. So after 2 years of freaking out about this exam that everyone had told me was brutal (to say the least), I finished with a 95%. 6 months after being hit by a car. TAKE THAT, LIFE. Now, on to Third year. Then the big leagues.

Speaking of the big leagues, here's my plan for the next year and six months (cue the song One Year, Six Months by Yellowcard): move back to Leth and in with T, kick the junk out of Third year, graduate, spend the summer either in Leth or RD*, make some cash, save lots of cash, in the fall, do a semester at the Uni, finish my first year so I'm able to transfer if I want, x-mas in RD, then flee the country for an undetermined period of time!! (Forever?)

*During the summer, I'm planning on taking a trip, and gallivanting through a few European countries, with Scotland as my main focus. Also, when I flee the country, I plan on landing in Scotland, and living happily ever after.

Speaking of happily ever after, a whole bunch of my friends got married within the past month. Like, a WHOLE BUNCH. Mic+Jer, Sel+Ger, Ste+Jan, Cas+Jon, Jen+Curt, and those that are yet to come this summer: Kim+Jon, Tif+Gre, Rob+Dane. So here's my shout-out to all you happy people: CONGRATULATIONS!! I wish I could be there on your happy days, but hopefully my well-wishes will suffice. I want to be jealous of all the happiness, but somehow, even being sad that I'm missing out on some of the happiness, I'm not jealous anymore. It'll happen when/if it happens for me. I'm good with that. For now.

And for the moment, that seems enough of an update to keep whoever may stumble across this busy for a few minutes, at the very least.

Until next time, keep fit and have fun.
Peace!

...I guess I'll have to wait a little longer.

2010-05-26T19:59:00.000-06:00

So I spent the last few days at E-green, and realize why I miss it. I knew this would happen, and still went. Can't believe I did that to myself. Again. Now I'm trying to convince myself that I DON'T want to go back. Crap.

"...I should never be left with my mind for too long."

2010-05-21T15:09:00.000-06:00

Every time I think I want to write again, I always start by going through my old posts, to see how I've advanced in my life and writing. It seldom ever happens that I actually end up writing after reading my old crap. So, here I go again, trying to make a go at this thing.

I'll start with the big news: I am no longer employed, but am simply a drifter (hopefully only for the next week or so). Yesterday was my last at a job I've had for the past 23 months; the longest I've ever had a job. It was sad, leaving, but for the best, I think (hope!). I need to, as my boss said, "get out for a while and learn to hate a whole new group of people." Well said, K; I couldn't have put it better myself. That being said, I've given my word that I would come back in the fall, provided they haven't found anyone to fill the void N and I have created in the schedule. I have a feeling that I won't regret leaving, but also have that apprehension that precedes a big change. I've only recently started to get comfortable in my life, and despite going stir-crazy at work, have been pretty darn happy lately. So why the need for a change?

I think the thing that changed my mind for certain was being hit by a car, back in October. In that small space of time between landing, realizing what the hell had just happened, trying to figure out if I was broken or not (and how badly), and realizing I had to lay there until the ambulance came to scrape me off the pavement, I thought. And I thought a LOT. It was probably only about 5 minutes in real time, but when you're lying in the middle of the street with a car parked 6 inches from your face and are being told not to move, that 5 minutes feels like 15 or 20. After studying the tire next to my face and introducing myself to the people kneeling beside me, helping me wait for the ambulance (a big shout-out to Kevin and Tracy! I owe you big time!!), the sequence of my thoughts went a little something like this:

-'Oh my god. What the hell just happened?! And did I hallucinate flying through the air, or was that real?'
-(After rolling over, then realizing that was a bad idea, thinking of my first aid training) 'Shit. I wonder if anything's broken. I hope nothing's broken.' (Moving fingers, toes, arms and legs) 'It doesn't feel like anything's broken, but my left knee hurts like a bitch. Crap.'
-'I vaguely remember landing on my face and skidding around a bit. I hope my face isn't broken.'
-'I think my nose is running.' (Which, unbeknownst to me at the time, was blood running down my face from the cut just under my nose.)
-'Shit. I'm on my break at work!! What the hell are they going to do without me tonight?! It was only me and N on line!'
-'Must call work and tell them I'll be late back from my break.'
-Called work and told W what just happened. The conversation went something like this:
W: "Thank you for calling CP, this is W, how may I help you?"
L: "Hey W, it's L. So I was just hit by a car, and I'm just waiting for the ambulance. Could you tell N that I'm really sorry and will probably be late back from my break, please?"
W: "You what?! Where are you?! Are you okay?! What happened?!"
L: "Well, I was crossing 3rd and 13th (which happens to be the intersection closest to my work), and a car hit me. So I'm lying in the intersection *looking up at the streetlights* ...well, just out of the intersection, waiting for the ambulance. I'll probably have to go for x-rays and stuff, so I'll let you know what's going on when I know, k?"
[Note: This is where my recollection of the conversation gets a little fuzzy, because I tried moving my legs and they started to hurt quite a bit/I realized that I probably shouldn't be on the phone with WORK. So I'm sure the conversation was longer than this, but my mind started to drift to more important things, like what I'd tell my mom. Or if I'd even tell her.]
W: "Oh my god. Okay, yeah, let me know if you need anything."
L: "Yeah, definitely. Tell N I'm sorry, please, and that I'll be back as soon as I can."
W: "Okay, I'll do that. Bye."
L: "Bye."
*end of call*
-'Crap. Now I'm not going to get to go to Scotland next summer. Figures.'
-'The sky is really beautiful today. The green of the streetlight goes well with it, too.'

...and it was about this time that the paramedics got on scene, so their questions kind of took over my thoughts until I got to the hospital. It was a rather eventful day, to say the least. But, in hindsight, probably the best thing that happened to me in a long, long time. While I was immobile/recovering/basically sitting on my ass for the better part of a month, I had time to re-adjust myself mentally, and come to the conclusion that I wouldn't be going to Scotland; yet another disappointment in my life. Oh well. I also came to the realization that I wasn't giving CP my all, and decided that when I got back into the swing of things, I would. For better or worse. Turns out it was all for the better, because it earned me the respect I'd been looking for from my boss, since I started. At least, I think it did anyway.

Enough about that now, though. On to happier things, like what the heck I'm going to do with my summer free of CP. Mayhaps working at a restaurant in RD? Mayhaps not working at a restaurant in RD, if no one will hire me? Go back to Sears (ugh) for the summer, thus proving them right for the second time since I quit "for good" in high school? Hopefully not the last option, but it's still better than being a hobo for three months (no offence to hobos intended). Maybe find something else fun in RD (if that even exists?). I'm open to almost all options at this point, and if it's fun enough, I'm even open to staying in RD, come the fall. I think the only thing bringing me back to Leth is school. And CP. (Will I lose my job if I don't say CP?) But school is definitely #1 on that list, and, right now, I'm not sad to leave CP.

But I'll definitely come back for the boys in my class. Wow, okay, that sounded more than a little wrong. That's not what I meant, I promise. So I'm signing off today with a couple quotes I saw on Twitter today...

I love Friday. Friday is like my best friend. Saturday is like my mum and Sundays are like my nan. Monday is Hitler.

"I need commitment" said Amy. Mark ripped off his shirt and wrote "Amy's" on his chest in permanent marker. Now, she felt safe to love him.

xmas

2009-12-26T03:13:00.000-07:00

Imagine this, my Christmas:

I stayed up until 4am Christmas morning, for absolutely no reason. Thus, I slept until after noon. 12.15, I think.

I blantantly ignored all the Merry Christmas text messages I got for over 3 hours in some cases, because I was mad at them for waking me up, wishing me well.

Once I was awake, I came to the sickening realization that I didn't have a Christmas present for my mom. I'm not sure I'll ever get over it.

Once awake and semi-functioning, I sat on the computer for the next 5-ish hours, reading and making my mom watch FailBlog.org videos with me.

When we finally started cooking, my mom added too much flour to the gravy after I had used a roux to thicken it, so it turned into a tasteless, odourless, colourless, gelatinous goo.

We were going to actually be classy and have some wine with xmas dinner, but my mom couldn't get the corkscrew to catch (because she's left handed), so I tried. And broke the (probably decade-old, Dollar Store) corkscrew off in the cork. So no wine.

My mom boiled the turkey breast in about 5 cups of water for about 3 hours, so it was dry as a popcorn fart and completely tasteless. But she loves pepper, so there were HUGE bits of pepper, and it was SO spicy.

The dressing was from a box, and was easily the best part of the meal.

The carrots were drowned in water, microwaved tastless and unseasoned.

She couldn't find the motor part for the beaters, so she used an immersion blender to 'whip' the whipping cream, turning into a spackle-like paste to go on top of the mini pumpkin pie, which had been in the freezer for a year-and-a-half (it tasted like it, too).

The potatoes and sweet potatoes were also boiled, but actually well done, if a little unseasoned.

...but, so far, I don't think I've ever had a better time at home since I moved out. Lots of laughs, a tear or two (as a result of said laughter), and stories upon stories upon stories have been told and created.

reflections

2009-12-26T02:41:00.004-07:00

I want what M has with her gf, even if I don't want to actually become a lesbian. I want that kind of I-need-you-but-the-world-says-I-can't-have-you love. I don't want to die without knowing that, at the very least. I want to be desired. I want to be respected for who I am now, and not misrepresented as who I used to be. I don't want to misrepresent myself. I want to sing again. I want my 5 octaves back, like no one will ever know. I want to dance. I want a way to pursue all my career aspirations, but in order to be good at anything, I need to focus on one thing at a time, which I have a great difficulty doing. I'm astounded that I've been at my job for a year and a half, but in the same breath, I can't imagine being anywhere else in life right now. I could be married. I could be in University. I could be graduating University this April. I could be in France. I could be in Africa. I could be on my way to Scotland. It appears life wants me in DB for the time being, despite how much I loathe the city as a whole. The people are the only thing that makes it any kind of bearable on a day-to-day basis. I have a small obsession with odd numbers. Weird, I know. Roughly 98% of all my disappointment stems from my falling short of perfection in anything I do. D says I'm too hard on myself. But I know that if I'd just apply myself, I could be great, instead of just good. It could've been me in Kelowna with him, instead of her. I also don't like having competition; I love the spotlight of being the best, and having a skill level or being something to aspire to. The only real competition in life resides in how hard you push yourself at what you love, or maybe, enduring what you loathe. I want to make a difference in not only others' lives, but in my own. I want to be a good role model for myself. I want to be some kind of inspiration, a muse, for someone. My life is full of I wants and I could bes, and I am growing listless with my life in DB. I still need to finish my education to become anything in the culinary world; something I'm not even sure I want to pursue after I graduate. I'll always cook, and I'll always hold K and D on a pedestal for making me into this person, woman, I am today, and hopefully the better woman and more conscientious human I will become in the next year and a half.

Like joy was something you could touch
I wrap it around me
Like a blanket
It's just you, me and the moon

I wish. I dream. I believe. I'm not sure what I believe. I'm complex. I'm disturbed. I'm disturbing. I'm available, yet emotionally unattached. I'm dead on the inside; waiting for life to give me a boost with its great jumper cables of experience. I'm realistic to a fault. I live in a dream world, where sometimes I have troubles distinguishing the fact that I'm not behind the fourth wall of the rest of the world, watching it like a close-up, live-action play whose outcome I can't affect or alter. I have a hard time not staring at other people. I've been told I have a way with words, and someday I'd like to believe it. I just think I'm insecure in myself, and feel the need to express myself like I do in order to compensate for my lack of personality and life experience.

You want my brutal, honest truth? I honestly believe there is no one out there for me, and I'm destined to be alone, watching love from the outside for the rest of my life. I believe I will live a third-person perspective until I die. Alone.

That's where the tears on October 6th came from, when B came to the hospital, that train of thought. Love. I was fine until I wasn't alone. I am comfortable in solidarity. I am confident in independence. I am uncomfortable in spotlights. When there are other emotions around me, I get flustered, confused and overwhelmed quite easily. I have an extremely difficult time expressing myself in spoken words, because once they escape my lips, it's permanent. Writing, I have an infinite amount of time and tries to get it right. Perfect. Hence why I listen to so much music -- song lyrics and the sounds which surround them express my feelings so much better than I could ever dream to accomplish myself. Sometimes there are no words for what I'm feeling. In times such as those, the orchestral Score Of The Life Of Me is blaring in my head so loud that sometimes I have a hard time hearing reality. Which, I know, is quite an issue, but I am at a loss as to how to even go about beginning to try fixing it. Not that I really want to anyways.

I think I'll just remain perfectly flawed and alone for the time being; it's where I'm comfortable.

out of [sight]. out of [mind].

2009-12-25T03:55:00.005-07:00

Out of sight, out of mind
See the child in the street
Never give them a thought
How they live, where they sleep
Grind them into the ground
It’s the kind thing to do
Death is welcome retreat from the sorrow they find
Out of sight, out of mind
But here, the pain is never out of sight
The sick, the starved, the poor
There is no room for us to turn away
We can’t just shut the door
Out of sight, out of mind
Where the strong never look
If we don’t come too near, it’s as if we’re not here
And there’s nothing to fear
But out of sight we have the room to plan
We watch them from afar
They won’t suspect
That soon we’ll see a day
When they know who we are
Let them stay unafraid
Just for now, keep them blind
Patience waits for a spark
‘Til the time that is right
We’ll remain in the dark…
Out of sight, out of mind
Out of sight, out of mind
Out of sight, out of mind.

This song/this woman makes me want to sing again.
For real.
For a career.

Think I have the guts?

2009-12-04T16:28:00.001-07:00

And I don't know how
I can hear the reaper calling
'This [boy]'s already fallen'

About an hour ago, I was so inspired to write another post here, that I went and read over a few of my old posts, and now I've lost the writing bug again. It's terrifying to think that I'll never be as good as I once was. I wish I could just open up my computer, log on, and write. Write for hours, and just write my feelings out. This is why I listen to music so much. This is why I have trouble sharing emotions with other people. I'll be the first to admit that I'm emotionally stunted and disturbed. I wish I wasn't, but this is who I am now. I've been through things that other people wouldn't wish on their worst enemies. And I've done it all with a smile and a kind word. Well, mostly. I can definitely think of a few times when I couldn't even handle seeing another human soul. Thankfully (most of the time), I'm through most of the drama.

hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption

2008-12-18T14:38:00.001-07:00

only at the college can you look one way and see a man doing a dramatic reading of a jamaican poem in a really bad irish accent, accompanied by a hispanic man banging on some foreign musical instrument called a Hang, which looks like two woks glued together, turn your head and see your chef barging through the hall with one of your classmates obediently in tow, heading towards the registrar's office, and while passing you, giving you this weird look definitely stating that he did not enjoy the contemporary poetry reading, and upon looking in a different direction, you may also see the one person you never want to see again, simply because he never wants to see you again. all in 2 minutes, waiting for the bus. i'm sure there was more, but that was enough alone to hold 150% of my attention. i want vindication.

I'm attracted to sparkly things like I am to men with too much emotional baggage...

2008-11-28T02:29:00.002-07:00

Here's a truth: I like sparkly things.
Here's another one: I like men.
Yet another: Every guy I've liked (ever) has had really big suppressed issues.

Case in point: John. The latest in the long line of Guys-Who-Are-Apparently-Totally-Wrong-For-Me-But-I-Always-Fail-To-Notice-This-Glaringly-Obvious-Fact-Until-It's-Too-Late-And-I've-Fallen-For-Him Saga.
Or Nathan. The First Boy That's Ever Liked Me.
And I don't give a rat's ass. What kind of cosmic kick in the ass is that? I've wanted a guy for so freaking long, and then when one FINALLY likes me, I don't give a rat's ass. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!

I know not. So, I've decided to continue on with my I-Don't-Give-A-Rat's-Ass Attitude, and keep torturing him. Maybe someday he'll get the hint and back off.

Oh wait, I did. And I don't care. Oops.

Also some late-breaking news for y'all: The kitten just fell asleep on my arm, and my heart just melted a little.

I miss George.

Peace.

must I accept this fate? no thanks to the memories.

2008-09-30T00:42:00.001-06:00

So. This is how life goes, isn't it? I wish it didn't have to be anything like this, but I guess life is all about kicking people in the balls. Repeatedly. Then letting them almost stagger back up to their knees, backhands them so hard they fall back down, and then curb-stomps them. Or maybe it's just me.

Whatever.

Case in point:
-Every time I think about or am reminded of Fire, I get nauseated and woozy and feel like I'm going to fall over. Read: Every. Single. Time. There's no reprieve from these feelings. Ever.
-Reading all my old posts from when I was working at Fire made me all nostalgic and happy inside, and then when I realize that I'll never have them again, I go through the same pain that's mentioned in the previous point. It feels like my heart is trying to claw its way up my throat and out of my body so it never has to feel that pain again. Because not feeling at all is apparently better than living with me. Nice. And all at the same time that I'm overwhelmed with the feeling that I can only associate with drowning, and can't breathe for a couple minutes, at least. (I don't know if it's drowning for sure, 'cause I've never drowned or almost drowned or anything of that sort. I avoid water for a reason.)
-Aaron lost his baby and then his Fiancee in the same week. Yup, the same Aaron from Fire. It makes me want to do something nice for him, but I haven't the slightest notion of where to even begin. That's two of my friends who've lost babies this year. Two! This year alone. I'm only 20!! It makes me weep for human-kind.
-I never want to see the back-stabbing bastard formerly known as my boss Devin again. Ever. Take that, asshole.
-If I last past Christmas at my current job (either of them), I'll be surprised. I hate them both with the burning passion of a thousand suns. And even that's an understatement sometimes.
-I just spent $98-something on a bus ticket to RD (because my mom wanted me to), only to realize half-way home that I can't afford rent this month. And it's due tomorrow. Yay me. Yay money. Yay life.

I don't know if the pain from Fire will ever go away, and I'm not even sure if anyone knows how bad it's really been since April, because, due to a lack of people to turn to, I've turned back to bottling. I know it's unhealthy, and I know it'll just explode right back in my face eventually, but here's my deal: I don't really care at this point in time. I might never care to let myself get over all this. The fact that they still owe me over $400 from my last paycheque that bounced (and was the only one in the restaurant that did, to boot), Devin royally sucks at life and never deserved my loyalty at all, and I never want to step foot on the properties of Average Joe's (West or South) or Suede ever again, fuel my anger against humanity, and my anger's the only thing getting me through this hellish limbo.

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

The only thing I've ever wanted in life was to love and be loved and protected from all life's evils and hurts. To know that I'm actually worth something to someone other than my friends. Don't get me wrong though, all my friends have been/are and always will be fantastic, loyal and dependable. I actually had one of them phone me at one in the morning a couple nights ago, in tears because she didn't feel like anyone would listen to her. Is it a surprise that she's at camp, and that's most of the reason for her feelings? Not in the least. Hence why she called me. She knew I wouldn't care being woken up at that hour (and to be honest, I wasn't even asleep yet). She knew I would listen for however long it took for her to calm down enough to sleep, despite the astronomical phone bill that would result. She knew I'd be there, even though we haven't seen each other and really talked since probably before summer. We've been friends for almost two decades now; that's longer than some of my other friends have been alive. And we still talk. The seven of us will always have those times, even if we try to deny it, or run from it, or say we've grown out of it. They'll always be there. Just like her pain. Just like mine. Just like all of theirs.

But is that really too much to ask from life, though? Really. Honestly. Tell me if I'm losing my mind, 'cause I know now that I was when I was working for you-know-who earlier this year. All I want to be is loved and protected by a man. I don't care if I graduate from either of my degrees, I don't care if I make anything of myself, I don't care if I never make it out of Lethbridge, I don't care if I deserve it or not, I just don't want to die alone, never having been loved like I want/wish to be. Everyone thinks that deep water (well heights and depths) is my greatest fear. I'd really like to keep it that way for the record, but truth-be-known, those things pale in comparison than the thought of never being loved. I wish I could brush this away, and continue living my nothing-really-gets-under-my-skin lifestyle, but anyone reading this should know that I just can't. While not much really does get to me (despite how I react), I'm really passionate about certain things in life, and as much as I'd like to believe they don't, almost anything about those few things get under my skin, and fast.

First is my friends; mess with them, and you'll regret it.
Second is my abilities. Cooking, singing, dancing, writing, anything I've been told/I think I'm good at/simply love doing. Even the slightest poke at any of these abilities and I'll never forget it; it'll hang over my head like a black cloud until I die. I'm not good at much, but I pride myself on doing some things really quite well, and simply for the compliments. Vain, I know, but it keeps me from doubting myself back into the thoughts of years past.
Third is my ability to find someone who loves me/a boyfriend. I know I've been losing in pretty much every aspect of this one, but I haven't lost my ability to dream of what could be, and that's sometimes the only thing I have to lean on. Just, please don't push this button. I won't outwardly react, but believe me when I say that it'll hurt more than anything if you actually intend to push this button.

They vary from first, second and third, depending on what's going on, but they never leave the forefront of my thoughts.

I honestly wish I could still cry over some things, but at the same time, I'm kind of glad that I can't anymore. Some things don't deserve my tears, and never did in the first place, I just thought they did. And as much as I'd love to keep writing 'til the sun comes up, I have to be awake, alert and alive by at least 8am, which is less than 7 hours from now, so I must turn in, and try to sleep on the ever-uncomfortable couch that resides in my mom's living room. Peace all.

2008-03-16T00:53:00.000-06:00

I JUST BOUGHT A PAIR OF SIZE 12 PANTS!!!

AND THEY FIT LIKE A GLOVE!

Oh my heavens, I'm excited about this. I called my mom right after I bought them, because I still can't believe I'm so little! Ack, it definitely explains why I can't keep any of my pants up anymore without a belt, though.

Haha, I love life. Really. It couldn't possibly get any better. Well then, I'm sure it could, but not at the moment. So there.

oh, and my boss bought me ice cream today. life is brilliant.

hum [hallelujah] just off the key of reason

2008-02-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

I just saw the sweetest thing ever!

I noticed someone from next door cleaning off a car, so I peeked through the shades to see who it was. It was one of my coworkers just cleaning off what I assumed to be his car, to go to school (I know he was on his way to school from previous conversations we've had).

And when he finished, he got into the car parked beside the one he was cleaning off and drove away! I love people like that. It honestly melts my heart to see things so sweet.

People like him give me hope for humanity in times like these.

This is a test. A what? A test. A what? A test. Oh, a wisk!

2008-02-24T00:17:00.001-07:00

So I wasn't dreaming the day I saw Devo's car parked in front of Bri's place! I actually feel so relieved about it, too!

Oh man, I thought I was going nuts or being all stalker-ish without even realizing it...but nope. That's not the case. I just found out that three of my coworkers live right next door to Bri, and one of them is giving Devo drum lessons! Ah, it all makes so much sense now! You know, like that feeling you get when you finish a really well done mystery movie (or book, if that's your cup of tea)? So relieved it's not even funny. Speaking of relief, I need lotion. Stat

There. Much better. So I burned myself tonight, taking something out of the oven. I brushed my hand along the top of the oven, and it felt like my skin melted right off; no joke. It hurt so so so bad that I didn't want to stop and think about it, so I kicked it into high gear, and set the pace for the rest of the guys while we finished packing up the cater-out. It was fantastic knowing that Devo sees my ability to lead in high-stress times like that, and I love that he lets me do it, too. He just stood back, smiled, and directed people to me, while he dealt with Ward. Seriously the best thing that's happened to me in so long. I love my job.

I'm just dreading Monday. Who knows how many of us will be left after the meeting. I want to just keep positive, but it's really hard when Devo keeps telling me that shit's going to hit the fan, and that we might be getting major overtime starting soon.

I still hope for the best, despite the worst.

of [ass-less] chaps and cowboy hats...

2008-02-22T21:24:00.001-07:00

D: "Where'd you disappear to?"
L: "Uh, the bathroom...?"
D: "You have to tell someone when you leave"
L (actually baffled): "What? Why?"
D: "I was wondering where you went. What if something had happened to you while you were gone? What if you'd been kidnapped? What if you'd been accosted?"
L (WTF?! look on face): "Who would've accosted me on the way to the bathroom? I was the only one down there. But alright, I'll tell you when I leave from now on." (Rolls eyes and laughs)

He won that one. I'm still confused as to why that conversation even happened. I mean, when it's busy, I tell someone if I have to walk out for a second (even if it's to go into the cooler or freezer to grab something), or just not even leave at all. I've definitely had to pee soooooooo bad for about 4 hours before: Valentine's Day (read: Hellishly-Understaffed-For-The-Capacity-We-Were-Serving Night). But at 3.30pm? I've never had to announce where I was going whenever I left the room before. I'm not really used to the attention, to be quite frank about it. Speaking of attention, this one happened tonight...

L: "So, is it okay that I've asked for a Friday-Saturday off?" (Knowing those are the two busiest days of the week, not to mention the two days I've never had off before.)
D: "Yeah, definitely. What are they for?"
L: "Does it matter that much?" (Not wanting the answer to come out.)
D: "Actually, it does. What's going on that weekend?"
L: "It's my birthday." (Turning bright red. Not liking the attention at all. Even if it hadn't have been him asking, I'd have turned every shade of red known to mankind. It had nothing to do with the person with whom I was talking.)
D: "Okay, well then. You'll have them off then. No questions."
L: "Honestly though, if it didn't get out that it was my birthday, I'd be happy to work. I just don't like the attention at all. I'll probably just hole myself up in my room and read. If you need me those days, I'll come in."
D: "No, I would never ask you to work your birthday. I was just wondering what was going on, because if it was, say, a concert for instance..."
(Both laugh at this. The night we both got called in to work the night of the Three Days Grace concert we'd been planning since November.)
L: "Yeah, of course. I just really don't like my birthday, that's all."
D: "Of course. Take the days. Get drunk or something exciting like that."
L: "Oh definitely. I'll get right on that one. Thanks for the days, though."

I read an article tonight that was all about working and loving what you do, or finding your dream job, or something to that effect. I was actually quite shocked to learn that most people hate or mostly dislike their jobs. And yet that's where they spend the majority of their time. I don't understand people sometimes. If you found a job that you love, you (not to mention everyone around you) will be happier with life in general. I mean, it's not really surprising to find out that most people hate their jobs, but the rankings for people who felt like they'd found their dream jobs were as follows:

For each statement, decide whether it is more True or False for you.

I feel happy when I think about my job. (Happy is almost an understatement here. I'm fully aware of the fact I'm a tool for saying that, but why deny the truth? Haha, I love my job.)

I look forward to going to work each day. (This might change with time. I hope it doesn't, though.)

I enjoy telling my friends and family about all the exciting things I'm doing at my job. (They get bored/distracted/annoyed loooong before I stop talking about it. I hold myself back because I know that no one wants to hear me talk that much. Really.)

I miss my job when I'm away from it for an extended period. (Does the fact that I asked my boss for more hours say anything about this?)

The good things about my job far outweigh any things I want to change about it. (It's not things about my job I want to change, it's some very specific people. If they were gone, I'd be happier. But, that in mind, they might be soon. But "I don't know that." My boss never tells me anything that I'm not supposed to know... Haha, yeah right. He tells me everything. He knows I won't tell anyone. Who would I tell anyways? The dishwasher? Oh right, that's me.)

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my work that I forget to take breaks. (He showed me during my orientation the place where the staff go to take breaks. My response? "We get breaks here?! Sweet!" I have yet to take one.)

I would want to do my job even if I weren't being paid. (I am hardly getting paid compared to the rest of the guys. Enough said? I know I'm getting a raise soon anyways. I mean, my boss never told me anything...)

When I'm away from work I check my emails or phone in to see how things are going. (This is the one I couldn't answer. If I had any numbers, I would text them; I figure it would be weird to only keep in touch with my boss. Although, I did find them all on Facebook, so this one might change soon-ish. Meh, I'll live even if it doesn't.)

I feel fortunate to have my job. (Fortunate isn't the right word. I'm damn lucky to have this job. It's the best thing that's happened to me all year decade.)

I work overtime because I want to. (I'm not even sure if I get paid overtime until I'm there for a specified amount of time (like months) or not. Oh well, they already know I'm there because I want to be. I wouldn't get there a half hour early every day if I didn't. Or stay late most of the time. Or work 12 hour days.)

I feel energized when I'm at work. (Every time I think I'm a little slow or sloppy, I just think of the day my boss told me: "Don't sass me, woman! There's a fine line between abuse and discipline!" And I'll burst out laughing. Or he'll tell me the one joke that makes me giggle every single time I hear it..."What do you call a fish with no i? Fsh!" Doesn't really work in writing, but I'm sure you get the point.)

The hours fly by quickly when I'm doing my job. (Please refer to #4.)

I don't check job ads or otherwise look for new opportunities. ("I'm being given the opportunity to work somewhere else? They've specifically asked for me? Um, wow. Tell them thanks, but there's no way in hell I'm leaving my job. Take that up with my boss. He's not letting me leave, either. I think you're done here now. I really hope you find someone else, though!")

If I lost my job I would feel heartbroken even if I wasn't worried about money. (I'm in University. I'm always worried about money, duh. But I would be beyond heartbroken if I lost my job. I was just told tonight that I'm one of two people in the kitchen who shouldn't be worried about their job. And that the staff meeting on Monday won't be pretty at all...)

I can imagine staying at my job for years to come. (At least 3, from the looks of it. School's going to be kinda hard without it. You can't very well apprentice as a chef when you don't work in a kitchen...)

Give yourself 1 point for each statement you answered True and 0 points for each one you answered False.

From: Do You Love Your Job?

I got 14. I think it's safe to say I love my job.

D: "Oh, and during the staff meeting, none of what Ward and I are going to say have anything to do with you. Just sit there and pretend to listen like I never told you anything, okay? We're going to be coming down hard with the rules, and it's not going to be pretty."
L (dog-hears-high-pitched-noise look on face... slowly turns into more of a deer-in-headlights look): "Okay, thanks. Wait. What's going on during the staff meeting on Monday?"
D: "Let's just say that you and Aaron are the only two that shouldn't be worried about your jobs."
L (really concerned look on face): "In the kitchen? Or in the whole restaurant?"
D: "In the kitchen. Let's just say that you might be getting quite a few more shifts out of it."
L: "Yikes. Well, thanks for the warning."

Oh, and Devo's take on bringing (read: dragging) up employee morale? Rodeo Day. That's right folks, my boss wants us to don rodeo gear and go to work like that. "We could have someone dress up as the rodeo clown, and someone else could be the bull..." (Accompanied by actions demonstrating 'clown' and 'bull.') Someone even went so far as to suggest Matt wear ass-less chaps. It was about this point when I started laughing at them. He followed with this beauty:

D: "Well, it's not like we can have a Bring-Your-Kid-To-Work-Day. We figured this could be a close second..."
L: "Who here even has kids?"
D: "No one! My point exactly. Rodeo Day sounded like a pretty good alternative to it...dont' you think?"
L: "So instead of bringing children into this place, you're suggesting we act like children dressed like clowns and bulls?"
D: "Absolutely!"
L: "And how would that be any different from every other day of work?"
D: "We'd be dressed like clowns and bulls! God, Lacey, I thought you were quicker than this!"
L: "I'm sorry, I just wanted to clarify that in my mind. Remind me to book that day off, k?"

And then he laughed at me.

A third helping of why I love my job:

26-It's on the west side. So is my school. So are the places I'm looking at.
27-I get away from my house.
28-No one threatens my cat.
29-My job isn't in jeopardy.
30-My boss won't let me leave, even if I tried. Which I'm not going to.

The first (and hopefully only) installment of what I hate about my job:

1-Stevie never talks to me (read: acknowledges my presence). Even if I talk right to him, using his name.
2-Terry thinks she can do my job better than I can. She thinks she can do Devo's job better than he can. We almost told her to prove it one day she was power-tripping and pissing everyone off. She's really quite talented at it, too. She also watches the cameras, to see what's going on when she isn't there. That also creeps me/everyone else out.
3-Dallas. He just all-around creeps me out.
4-The sexual advances made by Mario (the manager on the restaurant-side) and aimed at me have got to stop. I think I might tell Devo about it tomorrow.

Wish me luck? I think I might need it...

waiting for life to start

2008-02-19T17:27:00.000-07:00

I love my job... Second installment.

14-Davin, the gay waiter. He calls me Yucky Lacey because I don't like video games. That or Mothabitch...I'm told it's slang from Calgary from about 8 years ago. I feel loved. So loved.
15-My boss can call me at whatever time of the day, and I'll jump to answer the phone every time.
16-Since I got my lip pierced, the guys have warmed up to me a lot more. It's weird, but I like the extra attention.
17-I can work an 11.5 hour day, and the next time I talk to my boss, he'll apologize for the fact that I was working with dumbasses, and that they kept me so long.
18-I can always laugh at someone. It's usually Lee. Or Devo.
19-The guys know they can ask me for advice on really random stuff. Like when Lee needed step-by-step, written-out instructions on how to take the bus home from work. And then asked if he could borrow enough for bus fare when he found out they don't take Debit on the bus.
20-I can go in on my day off and just hang out for a while, and no one gets mad at me. Well, they haven't yet...
21-I can be as much of a perfectionist as I want, and no one calls me on it.
22-I can tell my boss he has a womanly flare, and he just laughs and says "no! I just have a good eye for details!" And I correct him and say womanly flare, and he gives up. 'Cause he's already realized that he won't win. Unless he pulls rank, in which case, I don't fight it.
23-I can miss a concert I'd been anticipating for 4 months to go to work (when I was called in that afternoon), and have no regrets whatsoever.
24-I can pull the "but I'm a girl!" or "I'm too short! Can you get that for me?" (when it really doesn't bother me, or I'm really not too short) on anyone in the kitchen, and for the most part, they'll roll their eyes and just do it for me. And I laugh at them, and then correct what they've done.
25-Devo wants to train me on line by himself, so that no one screws up and trains me wrong. He "wants it done right the first time."

I think that's enough for now. But there will be more; trust me. Ahh, I love that life is going so well right now! I hope it never changes.

Blackbird out.

2008-02-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

My whole life, I've wanted to be prettier, skinnier, funnier, shorter ... anything but what I was.

Today is a good day. For the first time in my life, I don't want to be anyone but me.

fly me to the moon

2008-02-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

Reasons I love my job:

1-Devo.
2-Matt knows the Soulja Boy dance. From YouTube. Just like I learned it.
3-I can sass my boss without getting in trouble.
4-My boss can pull out lines like, "Don't sass me, woman!" And I don't slap him in his face.
5-The guys I work with are about as diverse as my many personalities.
6-The fact that my boss has a bet with his Sous Chef to see who can make me cry the most. Or at all.
7-The fact that I'm proving so many stereotypes the boys had wrong day after day.
8-My boss loves that I love working Sunday mornings.
9-The guys actually listen to me when I talk. Or they're really good actors. Either way, I'm good.
10-It's super close to my school.
11-I can apprentice.
12-I've already made friends with a bunch of the staff.
Lucky 13-Jimmy the Bartender is bringing me videos from the Philippines when he gets back from his mission trip in April.

This list will grow as I think of more things. I'm sure I'll add at least one after every shift...

Blackbird out.

I want to hold your hand across the universe.

2008-01-31T16:13:00.000-07:00

I guess this seems to be a new theme of mine, blogging at Bri's place while she's sleeping...

It is bad that I like my boss. And he's not helping things by telling me that I'm a really valuable asset to the kitchen, and that he really just wants to keep me all to himself. Instead of sharing me with Suede. Or by telling me that he has a girlfriend. Boys officially suck. Especially Devo.

Is it bad that, even though I've never met her, I hate my boss' girlfriend? Oh definitely.

25...fuck you!

2008-01-12T11:03:00.001-07:00

So, here I sit in Bri's living room, after being jolted awake by my cell just over a half an hour ago. Sometimes I really dislike the fact that I can rarely sleep more than eight or so hours at a time. It's almost like I never got that one part of being a teenager that everyone else is just growing out of...sleeping for hours and hours and hours on end; I've just never done it. The only time I sleep more than normal is when I'm sick, or after staying up all night (like the crazy one I am). Even then, I never sleep more than nine or ten.

Aaaannnnddd...The Jehovah's Witnesses just showed up looking for Armin. I'm pretty sure I should've just not answered the door. But hey, I can lie my face off if need be: "Is there an address where my wife and I can come and visit you?"..."No, I'm sorry, I'm from Red Deer and I'm just here for the weekend, visiting friends."..."Well, what a coincidence, I have relatives in Red Deer, whereabouts do you live there, so I can have them come and see how you're doing?"..."Actually, we're just in the middle of moving right now, and I'm not sure of the new address quite yet, sorry." All said with a sincere look and a smile for kindness.

I'm a horrible person, lying to the religious. He started talking to me about how I should be mindful with violence against women, and the only thoughts going through my head were 'and here I am, there's two of you and one of me...' and of course the 'if anything happens that you don't like, just come talk to me and I'll deal with it accordingly' from Devin on my first day of work. He's protecting me, and I know it. The part of me that's always existed and taken charge when dealing with things like this just wants to kick and scream and fight it with all my might...you know, the "No! I can do this on my own! Don't help me. Ever. No touchy!" But the part that I'm letting take control this time is my seemingly non-existent submissive side. The side of me that just wants to be hugged and loved and protected. It's weird, being the only girl most of the time. I already know that I'm being protected by at least two of the staff (one of whom is definitely my boss), and I think I like this feeling of safety. The guys are really nice to me, which is a nice change from the ignorance I faced at Montana's. I've also already heard things that I'd care never to hear again, and some things that made me actually laugh harder than I have in weeks. I love my job, I actually love my job. And I heard something from the (really cute) gay waiter last night that made me think.

"Is that your sexy pose for your new kitchen woman?"

Is it bad that I think I might like my boss? DUH.

cheers to the new year

2008-01-09T23:44:00.000-07:00

So, here's to a fresh start. I'm at a new job, I'm in ballet lessons again, I'm moving in June, and I pretty much just love life right now. Last night, I started (and almost finished) this uberlong post about how last year went, and then in a really unfortunate computer glitch, it was banished into the wide world of webbernetland. I was sad and pissed about it, but I'm over it now, and I'm going to re-start that beast, only because it was too good to allow complete disappearance into oblivion. So, here goes. My last year, divided into jobs, not months...

New Year's Eve: Spent the New Year in a church, hating life. Watched a baptism and then 'prayed in the new year' with a bunch of people I didn't (and still don't) know. Regret every minute of it. Resolved to make my own decisions in the new year. Starting with leaving camp for good.

Jan: Was still at camp, hating life. Was on an enforced month-long hiatus, and did daily Bible studies and took frequent walks around camp property. Learned to hate God, Rick and hate Rick more for loving someone/thing that's never been there for me. Was only allowed to work a half-day at a time, max, and learned to take full advantage of it, and helped Ken a lot more than I did in the past. Left camp for good, and moved back to mom's place in Red Deer. Before even unpacking (or washing the contents of) my suitcases from moving home, mom dragged me off to a hole-in-the-wall place up near Edmonton for a "fun weekend away from the city." Hated it until mom ditched and took her own class (they taught skills during your stay. Best bed and breakfast idea ever) and I was launched into a photography class with some old guy. Met the two people who lived in the house, and quickly became friends with them. One was my age, really hot and had just bought a house by himself (and paid for it by himself, too); the other was a couple years older, worked as a lab assistant and she was super cool, too. Watched Indiana Jones for the first time, and learned to love Pepsi and Amaretto mixed together (which, oddly enough, tastes exactly like Dr. Pepper, the one soft drink that I hate with a burning passion).

Feb-Mar: Had the perfect job fall into my lap one day. 'Twas a temp job in the Transport and Engineering Dept in the Provincial sector of the government. Was paid $12.75/hr to sit at a vacant desk, check my e-mail and occasionally re-organize filing cabinets around the office. Made some new friends who threw me a mini-party for my birthday. Loved it completely, except for the days that I did absolutely nothing. And the day I felt the sting of bureaucracies and was 'let go' without prior notice. Yeah, I cried. Was unemployed until Montana's. Moved away from home again. This time to Lethbridge, and in with Gerry, Rodger, Bryan and Aileen. Best choice ever. Loved it totally.

Apr-Jun: After moving to Lethbridge, got the infamous Montana's job. Made me hate life with a passion, but in a totally new and different way than I did at camp. What a joy, eh? Made some new "friends" and learned how to set the kitchen on fire my second, and first 8-hour, day. Hated my job so much that I gave my two-weeks' notice, two weeks into my employment. Got a raise in exchange for my soul. Got drunk for the first time, and regret every minute of it. Still do to this day. Stupidly agreed to go back to camp for the summer. Was actually really excited about it, too. Royally pissed off my boss by telling him I was going back to camp for the summer. Moved back to Evergreen; this time as the Assistant Cook. Moved into a duplex with Aileen. Bad move, Lacey.

Jul-Aug: Spent my summer working 16-hour days and getting less than 24 hours off on 'weekends.' Taught Drama with one of the coolest guys I've ever met. Miss him like crazy. Bonded with really random people like Jasper, Ben and Nick. Made some really interesting and lasting friendships. Cut my hair pretty short compared to my habitual less-than-one-centimeter-off idea of what a "haircut" was. Learned to actually make my own decisions for once. Learned that I don't work well with Ken for more than a week at a time. Learned that ever time I take over the Evergreen kitchen, something disastrous happens to a meal or me, or both. Learned I'm never, ever wasting another summer out there. Regretted not going back to Kinasao. Met Karena, one of the coolest and shortest people I've ever known. Miss her dearly. Learned that Bri was moving to Lethbridge, too. Applied for University on a sheer whim. Mostly because Bri was going. Best decision ever made, right there. Thanks Bri! Got my cat. Best thing to ever happen to me. George will always be with me. I may not be able to make him love me, but I can make him live with me, and that's good enough for now. We'll see about the love part later.

Sept-Dec: "You're back?!"-- one of the first things I heard from one of my co-workers (who apparently lost a bet that said I wouldn't return after the summer was over). Haha. Made actual away-from-work friends with people from work. Gave away my dance floor virginity on Halloween night. Absolutely do not regret that at all. Still love the guy dearly. Miss working with him quite a bit, actually. Moved back into the duplex with Aileen and Steph. Worst mistake ever. Learned never to do that again. I hope there's still a friendship after this. Sometimes. Made a dream come true on a whim. Best thing to ever happen to me. Hands down.

Dec: And then, just to cap off a royally intense year, returned to retail for the Christmas season. Sears wasn't ready for me, obviously, but I waltzed in, guns blazing and ready to take on the crowd. Ended up mostly training people who'd been there for months already, and I hadn't been there in two years, and could still do the job better than they could. It was scary, but I think I'll do it again next year, just for shits and giggles. Who knows, I might meet another really hot Irish guy while I'm working in Men's Wear...

New Years Eve: Holy wow. First drunken New Years ever. Totally regret the whole getting drunk part, but loved the rest of it so much. Spent time with some friends and some strangers. Still have yet to be kissed at midnight (or ever), but hey, there's always next year, right?

New Years Resolutions:

-Learn to not doubt myself so much.
-Learn to not be such a smart-ass. Sometimes.
-Not be such a bitch. Again, sometimes.
-Appreciate what I have. Actually appreciate it and not just say I do.
-Move into my own place, away from destructive friendships.
-Maybe travel?
-Not complain so much. Or at all.
-Get back into ballet, full tilt.
-Start singing again.
-Perhaps start an apprenticeship...?

my smile says "I'm a two-faced bitch" and my nametag reads "lacey". I'm a till monkey.

2007-12-29T02:59:00.001-07:00

I've spent the past two hours listening to the song My Last Goodbye by Mike Hale. I should've been sleeping, but I can't seem to make myself tired. It's a curious thing, this song. It's so depressing, but I love it to bits and will literally listen to it for two hours at a time. [Case in point: tonight.]

I'm done my Christmas job now, and I'm hesitant to say it, but I had fun. Sure, there were the stupid times that I couldn't remember how to do something or when I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole. But it's the good times that I want to remember...like the time that really, really good looking guy from Ireland came to my till and proceeded to hit on me. I liked it. He was (and hopefully still is) hot. He told me he lives in Calgary and works with street people. He told me that he doesn't judge people by their appearance or first impressions, and that he likes dealing with difficult people. I think that's about when I offered him my job. He's pierced and wears leather. And did I mention he had an accent? I greatly admire him and I don't even know his name.

So, my new boss called and woke me up this morning. I'm so pumped for this job. Seriously. And then, after I made a really random (and perhaps out-of-place) posting on a friend's wall quite late last night, my mom thought I had a date today. Well, it wasn't. He's an old friend from church and we had coffee at Tim Horton's. We talked for an hour and a half and then he had to go record an audition he's sending to Humber College in Toronto. It was fantastic, to say the least.

"Oh yeah, I'm totally materialistic...just not about things that hurt the environment..." Tyler's response to my admission that I'm a member of the Green Party. Have I mentioned that he's amazing?

I don't believe myself to be overly materialistic, but when I hear about what others got for Christmas, it really just slaps me in the face all over again. Last year I got two or three books, a pair of longjohns that I never wore until tonight and a CD. That's it. This year I got two cookbooks, some lotion for when I'm working and some earrings that I absolutely adore. That's it. So far, from what I've heard, my friends have received a grand total of: an ipod touch, an ipod radio, a $3 000 diamond ring, a digital camera, really expensive jewelry, a new car...among other things. I don't usually compare like this, but it just kind of happens at Christmas, you know? The traditional greeting of "what did you get?" is heard everywhere, and it kills me. What I got for Christmas amounts to less than $50, and I know it, and it hurts. But I don't know why. It happens every year, and it's part of the reason why I loathe the season. I love the feelings, the snow and the songs, but give me extra (read: any) time with my bitchy relatives and I'll run faster than a cheap pair of pantyhose. In the opposite direction. I hate this. Really, I do.

So that was me 'not letting Christmas get to me.' I failed.

My New Year's Resolution: Get the hell out of this country and away from my family.

2007-12-29T02:36:00.001-07:00

This is worth listening to; he's amazing.

2007-12-16T02:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what to make of this.

Please don't pray for me.

I want to see what's up with all this.

eight hours and counting...

2007-12-16T02:27:00.003-07:00

I'm going to cry tomorrow. Probably around 10.30-ish. I'm going to miss the yahoos terribly. But I promised them I'd visit, so visit I shall.

I hate leaving a job I've learned to love. It's a love-hate thing, my relationship with my job. It's like in The Notebook when Noah says to Allie, "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you." (It was on TV when I got home from work, almost just at that spot. Hello coincidence? Thanks for kicking me in the face yet again...) Love is a choice. I love my job, and I'm going to miss it so much; but not, at the same time. It's weird. It's the people, not the job. I hate the job. I'm a robot on an assembly line; no more, no less. Just another cog in the great machine Montana's. I love the people. I'll miss the people.

I'm going to get pied tomorrow night. I know it. Meh, life goes on. It just means I'm loved.

But tonight was the first time in a long time I thought I'd walk out before my shift was over. It was stupid, really. But I still feel that I reacted in the best fashion in regards to the situation. Karissa was yelling at everyone on my side of the line (read: amanda and me), and would wait about a grand total of .25 seconds before asking for the same thing for the fourth time. Every time she would yell (louder, I might add), I would answer with a 'give me a sec,' or a 'yep, got that,' or 'let me check.' Finally, I just snapped and screamed (without actually screaming screaming. The people in the restaurant probably heard me, but that was the least of my worries) that I was getting on it right now. I swear eveything in the kitchen stopped for a second, and when you're dealing with a super fast-paced environment, a second seems like forever sometimes. This was one of those times, to say the least. Amanda and I do not deserve to be yelled at like we don't know what we're doing...by a sixteen year old with an overactive ego. When I said that to Amanda, this look of utter defeat crossed her face and it made me really sad to come to the realization that there are three people who run the kitchen, and I've just been shoved out of that elite group by letting it slip that tomorrow's my last day. The three people are Mark the Kitchen Manager (it is actually his kitchen like he says all the time), Eric the boy who started in dish when he was 14 and fought his way to seniority after 3 long years, and Karissa the sixteen year old girl with the ego problem.

Can I take this moment to say that I'm absolutely in love with the Autosave function on Livejournal? Well, I just did. So there.

Anywho, I spent the rest of my shift in the back, helping John clean. It's my least-favourite job there, but it kept me off the line and away from Karissa. So I spent the evening with the one guy who is actually able to touch/smack my butt without getting his ass kicked. He's the most non-violent person I know (besides me), and I know that I can trust him to not do anything to make me even want to kick his ass. And now that I'm done venting/spilling my guts, I shall sleep, wake and face my very last day at Montana's. It's all so final, growing up. Ow. That sound just now was my feeling getting squished. Ow.

2007-12-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

I have this weird ringing in my ears and a strange swelling in my throat.

My throat's been hurting for the past about week, and it scares me so much that I'm probably going to the doctor unless it gets so bad that I can't talk again. Maybe this is my body's reaction to finding out that I'm working retail for the next two weeks of my life, starting wednesday evening. It's going to suck; walking back into the job straight from hell, during hell week. But it'll be worth it, I think. I don't have to spend 2 weeks cooped up in my mom's house, and I actually get to go outside once a day. It'll be good for me; not waiting around for all my friends, but making time for them, which will make it so much more fun. Although we have a blast just sitting in Stick's room, on her couch, talking of all life could be. I wish for those times, but I'm kind of glad they're gone.

Oh shoot! Time for my SECOND-LAST SHIFT AT MONTANA'S!!!! Tell y'all why soon.

Later days!

2007-12-15T01:39:00.000-07:00

3 days!!

Oh my goodness, best week ever!

Also!

2007-12-07T15:04:00.000-07:00

I'm uberglad that my eye is no longer pouffy.

I have no idea when it went away. My guess is that I was sitting in front of this curs'ed computer. I hate technology, but its presence in the school is making life a little easier right now, I guess. But I need to finish this beast of a research essay that's due today in T-minus 7.5 hours. Ew.

I'm melting in your eyes...tonight.

I need a vacation. Stat.

Emily Dickinson vs. Editors

2007-12-07T14:59:00.000-07:00

Because I could not stop for Death—
He kindly stopped for me—
The Carriage held but just Ourselves—
And Immortality.

We slowly drove—He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility—

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess—in the Ring—
We passed the fields of Gazing Grain—
We passed the Setting Sun—

Or rather—He passed Us—
The Dews drew quivering and chill—
For only Gossamer, my Gown—
My Tippet—only Tulle—

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground—
The Roof was scarcely visible—
The Cornice—in the Ground—

Since then—'tis Centuries—and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads
Were toward Eternity—

Emily - 1
Editors (from back in the day) - suck

That is all.

2007-12-07T12:18:00.000-07:00

11 days...

hopefully.

[hush] for a minute

2007-12-01T00:52:00.000-07:00

soon one morning death comes creeping
through the room...
so hush, hush...
someone is calling my name
crying oh my lord, oh my lord
what should i do?

what i'm hearing: hush - bedouin soundclash

12:59 lullaby

2007-11-30T16:33:00.000-07:00

I'm all alone at home right now. This is rare. Nice, but rare. I miss this; really, I do.

Away from the sun again...

Lethbridge is cold. Very cold. Bri, I love you.

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done?
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am?

Don't worry, I won't do anything I'll regret.
I'm just confused.
Perplexed.
Angered.
Thought-provoked.
Frustrated.
Anyone care to add another?
School is harder than I'd anticipated.

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I lovelovelove this song. So good.

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here?
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

I miss listening to jazz all the time. I miss listening to opera, too.
I want to go to the Bedouin Soundclash concert next week more than anything.
It's the second of their concerts I'll miss in one semester.
Dang.

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

I want to sing. More than anything. I want to sing again. Like I used to.
I want my abs to stop hurting. I want to stop coughing horrendously every time I inhale or speak.

"There's one thing about pain."
"What's that Master Chief?"
"It lets you know you're not dead yet."

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done

Bri's heart is in Quebec.
Mine is Kenya. Or Uganda. Or Sierra Leone. I just haven't found it yet. I hope I find it soon.
I'll go crazy if I go without it for much longer.

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

I want the sun. I want that life.

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

I'll get it one day. I know it. I'll be there. And I'll be happier than ever before.
I'll get there somehow. I'm not sure yet how that'll come about.

But it'll happen.
Oh no...
Count on it.
Yeah...
I'm going to find my heart.
I'm gone...

is someone getting the [best] of you?

2007-11-25T01:23:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. Good. God. What a weekend. Much too much happened for me to say anything in detail, but the highlights are as follows:

1- I've never seen Aileen that drunk before. Ever. And I never want to see it again. Ever. (Hot 100+my house=bad. very, very bad.)
2-I've never been to the bar at 9.30. That was a first.
3-I've never seen that many people cry in one night. Aileen. Steph. Kevin. Kim. One is too many. This was stupid.
4-I learned that emotional drinking is bad. For everyone involved, drunk or not. (I was not.)
5-Things might be happening between Steph and Kevin, and I'm not sure I'm going to like how it's going to pan out.
6-Kevin works at my school. I still have to see him and his sad face every day. Think of me. Please.
7-Alyssa and her best friend Kim got in a fight over Alyssa's boyfriend-type guy, Jason. I had to hear about it from drunken Kim and semi-sober Alyssa more than once in the space of a few hours. And all the updates, too. From each of them.
8-Steph has never hit me before. Or yelled at me in anger. Before last night, that is. Simultaneously, I've never been told by a friend that they "just don't fucking care anymore." About me, the noise she was making, the neighbors, Kevin, life et cetera...
9-I've never wanted to bail so much as I did after I got a heads up from one of the bouncers that I know from the bar we were at last night that Aileen was thisclose to being kicked out for being too drunk. At 10.30.
10-I've never wanted my life in Red Deer as much as I did last night around 10.30.
11-I learned I hate wearing my heart on my face. It makes the fact that I'm a good liar even harder for me to swallow.
12-I learned that the key to my getting my boss to listen to you is to either be a real-life Barbie or to have a penis. I am not a real-life Barbie and I do not have a penis. What does this get me? Ignored. Woot woot, go me. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
Lucky 13-I found out tonight that I have to work with Eric for three of my four shifts next week. I should've taken the weekend off. Really.
14-I found out tonight that one of my best friends from high school got engaged. Last week. She sent out a mass e-mail. I didn't get it. I'm not sure how exactly to take this piece of information. She promised me not 2 months ago that I'd be one of the first to know when she had the ring. Accident or intention? It's going to kill to find out either way. If it wasn't for a conversation on msn I had tonight, I wouldn't have found out until the middle of December when I go home. A month after it happened. No words.
15-I've never been so hurt in one weekend by so many people. One weekend. Fuck.

Not impressed with this weekend. At all.

I want my life back in Red Deer so bad, you have no idea.

All I can do right now is breathe. Just breathe.

I want to smash something right now. Preferably something owned by Queen Bitch. Something valuable.

Do you know what I want? I want to move in to the basement. Alone. Not with Steph. I want to be happy. I want to be closer with Courtney. Yes, the scary one. And the one in Whitecourt. I want to not live in this hell-hole anymore. I want Aileen to stop threatening my damage deposit. I want to keep my cat. I want Aileen to stop threatening to kill my cat. I want Aileen to stop threatening to get rid of my cat. I want Steph and Aileen to get a grip on reality. I want them to stop being so defensive. I want them to not get mad at me for saying my opinion. I want to not cry. I want to move out. I want school to work the way I want it to. I want to pass Sociology (I need an 80% or above on the final to do so). I just want to cry, but I dislike crying almost more than I dislike being anywhere close to drunk.

Why can't I just cry and move on with things? Because Lacey, every time you think the shit is done being hucked at you, a fresh, steaming pile is discovered and a new shovel is taken out.

I just want to cry and be held by someone who actually loves me. Why is that so hard?

[s]he's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

2007-11-13T12:26:00.000-07:00

I'm in total agreeance with Bri on this one: boys suck. Last night just proved my point perfectly.

More to come. Must go plan life now...

Oh! And, OneRepublic is the greatest band that has ever existed. And I have some pretty damned high standards, too. My reasoning: They sound better live than they do in recording. Must be something good.

[bound.] and determined.

2007-11-08T00:23:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling you get when you feel something really special for the first time? The butterflies...or whatever you should call them. You know? Well, they suck and that's all I have to say about 'em.

You know how you always want what you can't have? The whole "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" thing? Well, grass sucks. Greener or not. You know why? 'Cause it's all dead now. Winter aproaches and I die a little inside every time it comes. My hair gets frizzy and my mood drops about as quickly as the mercury in the thermometer some days. I'm sorry if I bitch anyone out in the next little while, but pressure's up and tolerance is down. Mid-term-season-number-two is upon us. I'm sad to say that I dropped a class today, too. It was just too much work to keep up with. And now, because of this, I'm forced to take five classes next semester. Suicide anyone? I can barely keep up with what I have now, and I want two more? I'm nuts. Nucking futs. Fucking nuts.

Life is much the same way. One day it's beautiful and everything is looking good, and then the next day, nothing can snap you out of that interminable funk that's swallowed you whole. Speaking of suicide, I learned tonight that the one girl I've always wanted to be (beautiful ballerina is what automatically comes to mind when I think or hear the name Leah because of her) is in the hospital and there's something wrong with her heart. We're not close, let me get that much out. But that doesn't change the fact that I've always wanted to be like her. And then I found out she was bulimic. And in a special treatment centre in Arizona because of it. She was my age at the time. 19 and dying. 19 and killing herself and not knowing it. 19 and stupid. That was a couple of years ago now. I saw her at church shortly after she came back from that place in the desert, and she looked stunning. I'm not even joking. She was just as beautiful as I'd always remembered her, sitting in the audience watching her dance around on her toes. It took all of my consciousness to make myself believe the truth: that she was only two and a half years older than I. People might've seen her as sickly and wasting away at the time, but at the time, we had something in common. Only hers was a lttle more obvious than mine. A little more serious. A little more taboo. No one looks twice when a fat kid loses a whole bunch of weight, but when a skinny ballerina loses even a few pounds, she has an eating disorder. Disorder. How I loathe that term. Especially now.

Well, beautiful ballerina Leah eventually got better and was sent home. She was well enough that her parents and councellor decided that it was a good idea for Leah to get her own appartment and live life on her own terms. And now everyone knows that in those terms, she broke a promise to her parents and to her future. Leah's terms included Bulimia. Again. Damn her to health.

So her parents found out about her terms and I'm guessing they made her move back home, even though they were in the same city the whole time. And in the past few days, beautiful ballerina Leah has collapsed. Probably due to a weak heart. Due to Bulimia. And doctors don't know how long she's going to last. She's 21. And dying. Damn her to health.

And then I found out that one of my best friends from grades 3 through 5 is dying, too. This one from cancer. She's 19, just like me. Maybe 20, but still. Damn her to health, too. The last I heard about Janna, she was moving to Vancouver to get adequate training to swim in the 2010 Olympics. That was grade 5, when she left me. And now she's dying. Can I die too?

I've tried, but I was thwarted every time. The knife. The pills. The knife again. And I'm thankful for it now. Until I hear things like this. Friends are dying. Life is hitting them with the baseball bat of reality. I hate them for not being healthy. And I'm amost certain that my feelings are completely natural at this point, so I'm totally comfortable sharing them with whoever might read this.

Here's my beef. When a fat kid loses weight, everyone congratulates them and tells them how good they look. No one asks about how it happened. At least, no one asked me. And when said weight-loss is governed by unhealthy terms, no one finds out about it because they're all hung up on how good the victim looks. Why didn't they ask? Why don't you ask?

DAMN YOU ALL. I just don't care anymore. How's that for ya?

As I re-read that last paragraph, my eyes were drawn to the advertisements on the far right of the page. "10 Rules of Fat Burning - Lose 9 lbs every 11 days with these 10 easy rules of diet & fat loss." Fuck you, too. Why must you curse me once, leave for what I thought was going to be forever, and now kick me in the ass yet again? I don't care who thinks I'm wrong anymore. I'm done with society. Sure, I'll still wake up, go to school, go to work, and maybe sleep if I have the time, just as I did before, but this time it's all me. I'll still be the friend I was before, don't worry. Some things never change, and that's one of them.

Can't I just starve this sickness out of me?

damned feelings.

2007-11-04T16:43:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm really bad at this NaBloPoMo thing. You know why? 'Cause I'm not blonde.

Anywho, I'm sitting at home in the dark, in my own living room, because there's three people (four if you count Steph in the bedroom) sleeping right now. Losers. So I'm confined to a computer that isn't mine in the darkness because I'm too nice to wake them up like they did to me this morning. Grr...

I wish life could be better, even though I'm a happy enough person already. I wish the snow could come and Christmas wouldn't. I wish that I could tell him how I feel, but he was checking out the new girl right in front of me today. I wish she wasn't all hot and girly like she is. I wish she wasn't working in the kitchen, and I hope I don't end up hating her for it. I wish he wasn't training her, either. I wish I didn't work tonight. I wish I had a money tree in my backyard that never loses its bloom. I wish I could see Courtney. Both of them. I wish he liked me the way I like him. I wish I didn't live with Queen Bitch and her minions. I wish she wasn't QB; we used to be so close and now we're not at all. I wish I could lose some of me. I wish for world peace. I wish that I wasn't who I am, but am super thankful that I am the way I am. I wish my friends could all be happy, or at least happier. I wish. I wish. I wish. I wish.

I hope for the future.

Damn it.

On the upside, the people who were asleep in the living room are now awake (only 4 1/2 hours later...), and one of them tipped over a glass of water, and two of them said ''watch the puddle'' about three times before he got up and the fourth time they were saying it, this happened:

Jay: ''watch for the pu...''

Curtis steps right in the puddle. Right in the middle of it, too. It was hilarious. But I'm already late for work, so I have to book it. Through the snow. Boo on weather. Especially in Southern Alberta.

2007-10-16T09:51:00.000-06:00

So this is me..."doing my french homework."

How's that for ya? I'm pretty sneaky like that, eh? Anywho, so I'm sitting in the 24-hour study area, on time for my bi-weekly Hamlet reading date. Although I know the story (and well, might I add), the other two people in my group don't at all. And they didn't show up. For the third time. Boo on study groups today.

That is all. I actually have to do this beast of a french project now...

~Blackbird

...to all the inappropriate songs we listen to at work.

2007-10-15T14:44:00.001-06:00

So I'm a student again, and it blows. It blows major dirty chunks into the toilet bowl we call life. I'm usually not this passionate about things but...oh wait. Yes I am.

Anywho, so I'm sitting in the library at school (University of Lethbridge, baby!) and I'm currently hating life. Not to the point of last year's suicidal stretch known as camp, but it's certainly up there. I'm an English major: surprise, surprise. And, other than sitting through the best class of my life every tuesday and thursday afternoon, I really haven't put too much effort into doing anything for it. At all. And I have a huge-ass essay due next thursday, which I haven't even started yet. Boo on that shit.

Also, surprise surprise, I'm a cook again. At Montana's. Please don't mistake it for a fine-dining experience; I have 'Montana's Cookhouse and Saloon' silkscreened on my left breast (I know, TMI...whatever) while at work, thus making it the most embarassing job I've ever had in the culinary world. Ew. Life blows.

[Also, one of the girls I live with just got a job as a cook at The Cheesecake and I think I might hate her for it. She says she's nervous about it and asks me for advice on what to expect, but I know that she's just trying to underhandedly rub it in my face that she's worked at Wendy's for the majority of the last year and just moved above me in the culinary world with one good recommendation. Fuck you, then. I'm finishing my apprenticeship.]

But it rocks, too. I got out of camp, and out of Christianity. Yesterday was the first time someone's asked me about it in a long, long while. (Except for Ken at camp this summer, but he's a whole different story in and of himself.) While talking to (read: trying to ignore) one of the guys I work with, he said something about how one of the other guys at work had mentioned that he thought I'm probably religious. I was so astounded at that declaration, I actually listened to him for a minute, to confirm what I thought I had heard. And I heard correctly. With all the deviations in my old, christian, lifestyle that I've made since January of this year, the one that constantly comes up and bites me in the ass is my space bubble. I can't touch other people. That's my thing. If you ever need to know one thing about me; that's it. Don't touch me. Ever. Unless I give you permission first, which is rare. So I corrected him in saying that I'm not, but I used to be, which led me right into a conversation that I didn't want to be a part of so I walked away. Which was probably one of the bitchiest things I could've done, but it felt like the only way out. And for once, he didn't follow me. Victory!

[Bearing in mind that this is, Brian, the kid who talks forever but never says anything. (Although 90% of the cooks could tell you a great deal of his life story.) This is also the kid who went on for so long about wanting to see a person being deep-fried that I actually told him, verbatim, to "just stop talking for the rest of the night." Right in front of the guy I like, too. We were both trying to ask/tell him politely to stop, but I guess my blunt statement won over manners. I like to think that gave Eric a better respect for me, and didn't just give him the notion that I'm a huge bitch...]

But that conversation led me to think about the common misconception that Christians have space bubbles. Hear me out: they don't. Living among them (which makes me sound like an Ethnographer, not a teenager...meh) for the majority of my life, I know without the shadow of a doubt that Christians do not have issues sharing space with others. I was the only one that I knew of who did. That makes me wonder about the way people think, sometimes. But that's another rant for another day...

Oh yeah, I got drunk last thursday night for the second time ever. Well, technically I let my house-mates get me drunk, but do I regret it? Not in the least. I had a blast dancing. (Keep in mind that every time I go to the bar and dance, I'm stone cold sober. I usually only drink water.) I saw a couple guys from work and one of them came up to me and asked what was up. I told him that my friends were trying to get me drunk but it wasn't working. He then told me that I had to be at least a little drunk (get this)...because I was smiling! Do I really look that pissy at work? Shit, I never noticed until he said that. Ah well, I don't really regret it, because it keeps all the sex-crazed, high-school kids that I work with, and their sexual advances on all the female staff at an arm's length from me. If that's the case; go me.

In other news, to all the people who don't like me: Fuck you; I love me! That is all.

~Blackbird

ps- I know, I know; "When you like someone, actually tell him and then maybe you won't be left in the wings hating all couples..." Fuck that shit. I know I should tell him, but maybe I want to see if he'll say something to me first. Or maybe I'm scared that he's involved with the one girl I actually loathe. Or maybe I'm too much of a wuss. Whatever. Pick whichever one you want; they're all true. So there.

how to say goodbye

2007-06-26T15:46:00.000-06:00

Dang it's been a little too long between updates on this thing. I'm sorry to those of you (whoever you may be) who actually check it. Loads of stuff has happened since I last updated, and plans have changed yet again.

I promise I will actually update this when I have internet at my place of residence...which I currently don't. But hey, as of tomorrow evening, I will! Yay! Anywho, I have to go now, I have a 3 hour Greyhound ride looming right in front of me...

Until next time, keep fit and have fun!
Ciao!

puppies!

2007-05-09T13:02:00.000-06:00

Bernie (Steph's) is on the left and Joey (Aileen's) is on the right. Aren't they just the cutest?

don't cha

2007-05-08T21:12:00.000-06:00

...still wish it was winter? How is it really May already? Can someone please inform me as to where this year has gone?

I honestly had to ask Aileen while we were out today what month it was, because I thought it was still April. (Btw, I'm still in denial. Not the river in Egypt.) It's May if you were still wondering. Yikes, I'd planned on doing so much more with this year, and I'm pretty sad to say that most of it probably isn't going to happen now, either. But hey, I'm having a dang good time anyways. The puppies are here, and I'll have pics up soon. (Sorry Stephie!) They're soooo cute, too.

I've also recently discovered that Starbucks does an Iced Chai drink. It's amazing. You should try it sometime.

Blackbird out.

cloud nine

2007-05-05T23:41:00.000-06:00

Holy wow! It's been a while since I've written, eh?

Since becoming a Lethbian, I've acquired employment. I applied at The Keg, Boston Pizza and Montana's. Montana's was my least favorite place to eat out of the three, and thus I really didn't want to work there. At all. But alas, Montana's was the first (and only) place to phone me for an interview. And they loved me. And the fact that I had experience and full-time availability was apparently exactly what they were looking for. So that's where I work. And I have to say that it's really not been terrible at all. I had this awful idea that all I would be cooking was steak and burgers and that I would be only doing really monotonous things like flipping burgers all day and that's not at all what I wanted in the least. But it's been really great so far, and I've officially been there a week.

So I'm a cook now. I work in a kitchen again, and I loveloveLOVE it. So much. So much so, that I would actually contemplate doing it for the rest of my life, except for the fact that I don't eat much when I cook. I feed others but not myself, which could be a cause for problems if I do this for long, extended periods of time. (Camp, anyone?) But it's been absolutely amazing so far. Well, after my first shift. That left much too much to be desired. I was working an evening shift and had some 14 year old yahoo who didn't know what on earth he was doing, training me. It was a long, tiring shift of much confusion. For the rest of the week, I've been working day shifts. I have to say that day shifts rock! When I work evening shifts, I'm the oldest in the kitchen by a long shot, but when I'm on days, I'm not. I think I'm actually the youngest. But I like it. The guys I work with are great and are incredibly understanding that I can't do everything all at the same time, or even sometimes remember how to make some things.

My first shift was eventful in the fact that Mark (the usual day cook/the guy who's training me) taught me how to light the kitchen on fire. No joke there, either. The flames on the grill were touching the inside of the hoods (aka - the ceiling), and were, I'd say, about 5 or 6 feet tall. It was awesome. But very dangerous. Had the fire system gone off, we would had to have closed the kitchen for the day. Which would have sucked.

Another interesting shift was the one I met the owner of the restaurant two days later. That's the day I almost flooded the building when I was trying to fill the steam tables in the morning before we opened. While talking to him. (Oh, and for those who are at camp, guess what my new boss' name is? Yup. Rick. It's really trippy, because they're nothing alike.) But all the water was mopped up before we opened, and everything was fixed. I also learned to ask which valves and switches were tricky after that one.

All in all it's been nice; working again, meeting new people and learning to cook different things. I'm one of two girls who work in the kitchen, and the other one only works evenings, so that makes my days interesting too, being the only girl. Working with guys is actually a lot more fun than I had anticipated. I don't have to be the best or the strongest or have to do the jobs that no one else wants to do because they're too gross (or whatever). I like it. Working with them makes me push myself to do everything that they do, even though I don't have the strength or the skills yet. All of which is challenging beyond all reason, but it's shown them that I'm not just another useless girl who only wants to work with a bunch of guys. I've come out with some really interesting bruises, though, which is pretty dang sweet. And many new skills, too. I really hope that it's going to stay this fun for a long, long time, because going off my first week's experiences, I'm not likely to quit any time soon.

Oh! And in other news, Aileen and I are going to be moving soon! Hopefully to a half-duplex really near my work, Aileen's work, the College and the University. So that'll be a blast. And Aileen's getting a puppy! And Steph's wanted a puppy for a long time, so we're getting her one as well, and I'm going to be caring for him until she comes to Lethbridge for school in the fall. I'm super pumped to have puppies around so soon, and for Een and I to have our own place. And now that y'all are updated on what's going on around here, I'm going to go and hang with the boys.

Until next time, keep fit and have fun!
~Blackbird

face down

2007-04-15T20:00:00.000-06:00

For those who were wondering how the meeting with my dad went...it didn't.

And I'm not sure if I'm sad about it yet.

cat and mouse

2007-04-15T18:30:00.000-06:00

So I'm a Lethbian now. It's been fun so far, but I've been plunged into the realm of adulthood. Ew. The people I live with are pretty much amazing and I love being here, though.

On the not-so-fun side, I'm the only one in the house who doesn't have a job. Two of them work night shifts and the other two work day shifts. If you've never lived with people who work both day and night shifts, let me enlighten you as to how your days work...

-You have to be quiet when you wake up because the night shifters only got to sleep like an hour or two before you woke up. They will indeed not be very pleasant if you wake them up.

-You have to be quiet when you get home (at night/early in the morning) because the day shifters have just gone to bed like an hour before you got home. They will also not be pleasant if you wake them.

-The only time of the day you can actually speak at a normal, human level is from 4-10 pm. That's it, that's all.

-Oh, and they will lock you out at least once. When this happens, no one will be home or awake when you try unsuccessfully to enter your new residence. It will also be 1.30 in the morning. And no, you still don't have your own key.

So yeah, it's been an eventful two days. I'll try to keep this up and going as much as I can without boring y'all to tears every time. Anyways, I'm out for now.

Ciao!

cat and mouse

2007-04-15T16:47:00.000-06:00

So I'm a Lethbian now. It's been fun so far, but I've been plunged into the realm of adulthood. Ew. The people I live with are pretty much amazing and I love being here. On the not-so-fun side, I'm the only one in the house that doesn't have a job. Two of them work night shifts and the other two work day shifts. If you've never lived with anyone who works night shifts, let me enlighten you as to how your days work...

-You have to be quiet when you wake up because the night shifters only got to sleep like an hour or two before you woke up. They will indeed not be very pleasant if you wake them up.

-You have to be quiet when you get home (at night/early in the morning) because the day shifters have just gone to bed like an hour before you got home. They will also not be pleasant if you wake them.

-The only time of the day you can actually speak at a normal, human level is from 4-10 pm. That's it, that's all.

-Oh, and they will lock you out at least once. When this happens, no one will be home or awake when you try unsuccessfully to enter your new residence. It will also be 1.30 in the morning.

So yeah, it's been an eventful two days. I'll try to keep this up and going as much as I can without boring y'all to tears every time. Anyways, I'm out for now.

Ciao!

Psst!

2007-04-11T05:51:00.000-06:00

Oh hey, and this one's for my family... Just 'cause they're awesome like that.

...and 'cause you don't catch that look on Grandma's face everyday.

ps-That's my cousin Dean behind Grandma.

...disambiguation...

2007-04-10T23:59:00.000-06:00

It's Easter. Family is over. They all smoke. Inside my house. Eew. Yay, laundry day is tomorrow. It can't come soon enough.

Now that that's out of my system, I guess I'll keep you guys up to date with what I've (tentively) decided to do for the next year-ish. I've decided that Africa is way out of reach for me at this point as I'm still quite young. And quite poor. I've also been recently informed that U of C doesn't even start processing applications until after their deadline's passed...which would explain why they haven't gotten back to me yet. Still annoying as ever, though.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm moving to Lethbridge this coming friday and I'm staying there for at least the summer (much to the dismay of a couple friends in RD), if not for the next year...if they can manage to get back to me sooner than U of C. Either way, I think Calgary's pretty much out at this point because they've thoroughly ticked me off by not saying anywhere in their website/application process that they don't process applications until after most other schools are done registration. Gah!

Anyways, thanks for all the wonderful suggestions (Luke...) and advice from everyone. Deciding the rest of my life is a lot more difficult than I'd thought it was going to be. And, as some of you know what I want to do (hypothetically) and some of you don't, I'm going to present this next part in an interview form, just 'cause it made the most sense after answering these blasted questions for the past year.

Why are you taking a year off? Because I still don't know what I want to do with my life.
What do you want to study? English.
Do you want to be a teacher? Heck no!
Then why are you going to study English? 'Cause I wanna be an Editor. (And for the record: Yes, I really am that big of a nerd.)
What would you choose as your Minor in University? Vocal Music, maybe? Perhaps French? Or, if I get into the International Management program at U of L, I don't get a minor. But I do get a mandatory semester abroad. Woot! And I'd be doing a combined degree in that and English. Double woot!
Why the International Mangement Program? Because I've always found politics interesting and I've never actually found a creative outlet to use that to my advantage. This way (in a perfect world...) I could work in the UN [or some-such organization] and do the editing thing in my spare time (hoping I get any spare time at all).
Do I want to travel? Heck yes I do.
Then this International Management Program sounds like a dream, eh? If only I knew what my dreams really were, it might help a little. I just want to be happy. That's it, that's all.
How will studying English help you travel? No clue at all. Maybe I could ... [long awkward pause] ... Yeah, I got nothin'. Sorry.
How will minoring in Music help you be an Editor? Again, I got nothin' here. I guess I just like to sing that much...
Alright, well thank you for answering these questions. Your conscience shall resume normal function in three, two, one...

Hey guys. So, there's my brain on drugs. Well, not really, but I'm sure drugs would maybe help in this stupid decision-making thing I don't really like to (but do) call reality. Probably not, but I still do like to dream sometimes.

Oh hey. How's this for the wake-up call of the century? I was in Calgary last week visiting a friend, and one morning, I was spending some quality quiet time reading before the day got started and my mom phoned me. She told me that she'd just gotten off the phone with my father. He wants to meet me for coffee this week. This man, after seventeen years of being completely and totally non-existant in both my mom's and my lives, wants to walk right back in. Of course I said yes, but that's beyond the point right now. He took a chance and dialed the last number he remembered us having. Seventeen years ago. How's that for luck? My mind's still going warp-speed trying to figure out what to say, how to dress, how to act, what to ask, what he'll say, what he'll be wearing, what he'll ask, and if he'll display some of the traits that made the relationship between my mom and him fail. I was told that he's having surgery soon, and that might've played a part in his decision to phone. I don't know yet. But, if he phoned out of a false sense of duty (that he's never shown me before), there's probably a risk of something not-so-cool happening on the opperating table, and I don't want that. I don't think I do, anyways. I'm not sure what to think anymore. Especially after this. It's been a week. That's all I'll say about it at this point.

So, in this state of disarray and confusion, I'll bid you all farewell for now. It's going to be a busy next few days for me, and I think I might need sleep somewhere along the way. (Just a thought, though.) Oh yeah! Everyone should listen to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. They're amazing. I'd recommend 'Face Down' or 'Your Guardian Angel' or 'Cat and Mouse' or 'Damn Regret' or...yeah, just listen to the whole CD. It'll do ya good.

ps- Happy Siblings' Day to my long-lost brother!

pps- 'Fleetingness' is an amazing word. You should try to use it in a sentence today. There's a challenge for ya. Go forth and amaze the rest of the world with this word.

Baby season has arrived!

2007-04-09T16:05:00.000-06:00

And with it brings the arrival of Kaiden Robert Moench,

son to one of my dear friends Erin Taylor. Yay for babies!

He was born on March 23, 2007 (8:18 am) and weighed in at 8lbs 7oz.

2007-03-26T22:10:00.002-06:00

I've been feeling really reflective lately, mostly about life and how much a year can change one person and how much one person can change in a year.

Last year, I had just turned 18, I was still in high school and still working almost full-time hours trying to save money for University, which I was planning on attending this year. I was teaching Sunday School every sunday and still desperately trying to make myself be the image I was portraying to the world. I didn't know the best friends a person could have and I had never even heard of Camp Evergreen. I felt all alone in the world, helping my best friend prepare for her upcoming wedding. I had just moved with my mom into a new house and I hated it. I suddenly had to depend on her for almost everything again. I didn't drive (still don't), and she drove me to school and work every day for the rest of the year. I hated it. I still do. I wanted to escape to Saskatchewan and just be one of Kinasao's staff members just like I had been the summer before. I knew I hated counseling, but I had figured that I could work in the kitchen or somewhere else that was behind the scenes. If I knew then what I know now, I'm not sure if I'd repeat everything just as I had. But I know that, throughout everything that's happened in the past year, I wouldn't change my time at Evergreen for anything. I learned so much about myself and met some of the best people I've ever known. I always thought the worst thing that could ever happen to me was if someone knew my secrets. I'd been betrayed more than once before and I thought that if I just kept my life to myself, nothing bad could happen to me. I was a robot. I learned how to not let my emotions affect me through almost eight years of emotional and psychological abuse. (Don't get me wrong here, I'm not playing the victim or waving a Martyr Stick, I'm simply writing what's in my head.)

I've been thinking lately if staying at the office where I currently work would be the best thing for me, and much to the dismay of a few people I work with, I've decided that it's not. It's a great job and the people are (for the most part) really great.

On this hand... On the other hand... Wait. How many hands do I have??

2007-03-24T14:38:00.000-06:00

Hey dudes! Sorry it's taken me so long to update this dang thing. It's been busy, but sadly it's going to get a lot less busy very soon. Remember that cushy government job that landed in my lap a while ago? Well, last thursday my boss and the executive director called me into his office to talk, and they gave me my two weeks' notice. It seems I was hired on a 3-month temp position, and they neglected to tell me that I was hired a good month into the term of this position. So I only get 6 weeks instead of 12. Yee haw, welcome to the government. And now that the shock's worn off, I've come into yet another dilemma...to Lethbridge or to Calgary (who still haven't gotten back to me yet)? Btw, I'm talking about Univerity here. I'd be going for a BA in English or a double major of English and French...depends on how motivated I am. Or! Mystery option number 3...Africa.

I'd appreciate any constructive comments as to which you, my friends/sibling, think I should do. I know what my mom wants, and I think I know which one would work best for me at this point in time, but I'd still like to know what y'all think in all this. Thanks! Love you all!

Ciao.

NOTICE!!

2007-03-04T22:05:00.000-07:00

This post is just for Cort, a former co-worker of mine...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

(And sorry this is coming a day late.)

I hope you find every joy in this next year that you've always wanted.

~Blackbird

ps-You're amazing. 'Tis all.

Senators vs. Sabres (Feb. 22, 2007)

2007-03-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

So, since I'm not really updating this thing all too regularily, I thought I'd share something so amazing with y'all that you won't really notice when I don't update all the time...

I'm not particularily fond of either of these two teams, but I think that the fact that this fight was so big and they were going to give out so many penalties that they had to re-schedule the game for two nights later. Including the two goalies. And the two coaches. Just..a-freaking-mazing.

Hockey fights like this are the next best thing when one can't watch a real Rugby game.

Enjoy!

Yes!

2007-02-19T12:23:00.000-07:00

bang the doldrums.

2007-02-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all!

I figured that since I have the day off and I'm not dead-tired anymore, I'd update on how the job thing's going. It's great. Really. But at the same time, it's no fun at all. I've been there a week and I still don't have an employee number, access to a computer, a desk, a job disription or any training whatsoever. So, basically, this past week was me re-arranging filing cabinets, re-organizing filing cabinets and checkig my e-mail. It was pretty much amazing. Oh, and regular breaks every 2 1/2 to 3 hours. Yay for government jobs! But yeah, the people are really nice, too. My first day, I was so nervous that I was going to screw something up, but everyone was telling me how badly they messed up when they were new and so now I feel better about it all.

I'm also not doing what I thought I was going to be doing; I work in the permit office, so they approve permits for oversized/overweight semis driving in Alberta. It's actually pretty interesting stuff. There's a lot more going on in there, but that's the biggest part.

It's been one long week, though. I have to get up at 6.45 to get to work on time and I'm off at 4.30, but my mom's not done work until 5.30 most of the time so I have to wait around for her to haul me home. (Have I mentioned how much I hate being licenceless? Grr.) But hey, it's all turned out great in the 'end.' Not that it's the end for anything except my first week there.

Oh, and Marilee came home on Friday, and she's here for Reading Week, so I'm pretty stoked about that. (Psst...that means that Julia should come and visit!) So yeah, that's pretty much been my week. Woot.

~Blackbird

ps-Luke, that link has changed now...

Thnks fr th mmrs, Worms

2007-02-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

So...it's been a blast these last couple days, I have to say. I saw the Arrogant Worms in concert last night (pretty much on a whim), and they were even more than I thought they would be. I don't think I stopped laughing for a good two hours, even after the concert had ended. When I got home, after the concert and coffee with my friend, it was about midnight, I stayed up a little bit later (why do I do that to myself?..Wait, don't answer that one) and then by the time I fell asleep, it was around 2. Ick. Anyways, I woke up at 8.30 to the sound of my mom leaving for work, and she told me yesterday that she was working the late shift today (12-9), so I thought that it was noon and started to panic because I'm still waiting for the phone call about that cushy government job and they never specified what time of day they'd be calling (they said yesterday, what a bunch of weenies), so I'm trying to be awake around 9 so I don't miss the call. So that was my bit of excitement for the day..and it's only 10am! Shoot, I need to start going to bed at like 10.

Ooh, I highly recommend the Arrogant Worms' new cd, Beige, and Fall Out Boy's new one, Infinity on High, as well. They're both marvelous albums! Although I would recommend that you see the Worms live before recommending that you listen to the cd. They're amazing. Truly.

~Blackbird

ps-I have an interview at 3 today for that cushy government job today, I'll post more on it later...

UPDATE!-So, I went for that interview. I was 10 minutes early, and the lady wasn't even there. Haha...that's gotta be a first! Anways, they asked me a bunch of questions about computer experience and stuff like that and then said they would call me later today to tell me what was going on 'n' stuff. So, mom drives me home and almost as soon as I walk in the home, my phone rings...and it's the lady from the interview calling to offer me the job!! YAY! I guess I work for the government now and fun stuff like that..ooh, and my aunt's also getting me to help her with some website stuff that she can't do. As of today, I am no longer a glorified bum!! eeeeeeeee, I'm SO excited for this!! Dang I need to calm down. Ciao bellas!

The many adventures of Blackbird's skilled sale-finding gene...(it's a recessive gene)

2007-02-06T23:47:00.000-07:00

So, just thought I'd update y'all on my super-sale finding skillz, yo.

Alright, now that I have that out of my system...Seriously, though; I bought an entire outfit today for THREE DOLLARS. And it's not from the Dollar Store or Value Village either. It's from Ricki's. Oh yes, that's right. I bought a white t-shirt for a whopping 2.99$. So what did that leave me to purchase the skirt that I wanted, too? One penny. Yes, one whole cent is the amount I paid for the skirt. No joke either. The girl who was working the till nearly fell over when she saw it. It was pretty dang sweet, let me tell you.

Ooh, and I got a tip about a sweet, cushy government job today. So I applied, and they're going to call me about it tomorrow morning. I would get paid money to sit in front of a computer screen watching Alberta's intersections all day. And it's not small amounts of money, either. I'm pretty pumped about that one. The only deal with it is that I'd have to sign a three-month contract to work there, because I guess that they've had some issues keeping people on staff for the past little while. Oh well, though...I'm pretty sure I could do it. And at least I'd have something to do, instead of just sitting on my behind all day surfing the world wide webbernet. But yeah, that's my news for the day!

Ciao bellas!
~Blackbird

Just like Vicky said: "my coffee cup said it"

2007-02-04T02:35:00.000-07:00

The way I see it #162:

"The test in life is not how far we go,

but where we stand. Will we give in to

selfishness and fear, or seek for others

what we demand for ourselves: dignity

and an equal chance?"

--Robert Shrum

Political strategist

...and for the french geek in me...

Selon moi no. 162:

"La vraie mesure dans la vie n'est pas a

quel point on est 'alle loin,' mais bien

la ou l'on a choisi de se situer. Va-t-on

s'abandnner a l'egoisme et a la peur ou

chercher a obtenir pour les autres ce que

l'on exige pour soi-meme: la dignite et

l'egalite des chances?"

~Blackbird

ps-Thanks, Vicky, for reminding me that I'd found this.

At this point

2007-02-04T01:12:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure that getting out of the house and just hanging with friends is the best therapy money can't buy...

Seriously, go try it.

~Blackbird